How to Be Authentic Part 4: Steps 4-6

Welcome back to the fourth and final part of our series on How to Be Authentic! If you missed Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3, feel free to go back and read those now. This last post dives into steps 4-6 on how to build authenticity in such a way that you can be true to yourself and still connect with others. Let’s dive in!

4. Rather than changing yourself to fit in with what you sense or believe others demand of you, look for genuine connection points instead.

Start by putting on your curiosity hat and asking others about themselves.  Some easy questions you can ask to engage others include:

• What brought you to this company?

• What parts of your current role do you like and dislike?

• If you could get paid to do anything you wanted, what would you do?

• What do you like to do for fun?

• What was your favorite part of being a kid?

As you listen, search for points in their story that are common to your story or to any of your various faces.  Then relate to them, starting from that basis: “Oh, you grew up in the countryside?  I did too!  We actually owned a cow and a couple chickens.”

As you do this, trust will begin to grow.

As a side note: as trust grows with time, the person you talk to will likely risk sharing more about themselves.  Either you can relate to them or you cannot.  Do not lie to build false connection, e.g. saying “I totally love tennis” when you do not!

If you cannot connect with what someone shares, you can still actively listen and keep exploring with more curiosity-driven questions.  For example: “I’m actually not as big into tennis, or most sports, to be honest!  I’m pretty uncoordinated.  But I love how passionate you are about it!  What parts of tennis do you love?”

5. If you are addressing others in a group, look for something everyone has in common, something the team values as a whole.  Relate to the group there.

For example, does everyone on your team value relationships over results?  If so, tap into the relational side of you and emphasize that aspect when addressing the entire team.  You could reference results, but results would not be primary.

Note also that you do not have to force yourself to become a master of relationships in this example - as doing so would be inauthentic!  But you should rely more heavily on some relational faces that you have, which would allow you to build connection while remaining authentic.

The goal is to develop points common to the overall team, same as in step 4.

6. Lastly, recognize that some faces will be more appropriate than others, depending on the context.

In addition to being a corporate coach, Korean-cuisine chef-wannabe, and Chopin fangirl, I have two other faces: (1) I’m a huge data nerd, and (2) I love cute stationery.  :)

Let’s go back to my high school days to illustrate. Let’s say an artsy kid mentioned that she is absolutely loving her new stationery collection.  I should connect with her authentically on our mutual love of pretty paper.  But I would not want to start off the relationship by saying that I’m a huge data nerd, as that is a face of myself that the artsy girl would likely not be able to connect with initially.

However, once more trust is built between us and a foundational relationship is established, I would then later be able to share with my friend that I am a huge data nerd.  She might not be able to relate, but she would accept that as another part of me.

In this way, authenticity and connection can grow hand-in-hand.  You learn to embrace and build on similarities while introducing the new and differing facets of yourself.

~ ~ ~

Those are all 6 steps to growing your authenticity!  What step would increase your current level of authenticity the most?

As always, if you have any questions, please let me know at megan@ryancbailey.com. Happy to connect!

How to Be Authentic Part 3: Steps 1-3

In Part 1 of this series, we defined authenticity. In Part 2 of this series, we explored why we can struggle with inauthenticity. Now, we’ll take a look at some practical steps you can take to grow your authenticity! Let’s dive right in.

1. Foster self-awareness.

Authenticity starts with knowing yourself.

Create a list of what you stand for and believe in.  What are your values?  What are the elements of yourself that are so true to ‘you’ that you wouldn’t be yourself without them?

What about your strengths?  Where do you excel, and what skills have you developed to a high degree of mastery?  How do you adapt and change when under pressure or stress?  If you see yourself exhibit patterns of behaviors, spend some time thinking about where those patterns developed.  For example, do you easily make friends in new environments?  Or are you someone who is on the constant lookout for ways to optimize your routine?  Do you notice that you tend to add sprinkles of art throughout your living spaces?  Spend some time thinking about where those patterns developed.  Why do you do what you do?

Also consider the different faces of yourself.  For example, I am a corporate coach.  I also happen to love cooking Korean food and Chopin.  If you saw me coaching in a corporate setting, whipping up a storm of banchan (Korean side dishes) in my kitchen, or enjoying a Chopin concert, you would see three different sides of me.  They are all me, just different faces.  Although some faces may seem contradictory (e.g. I love people and also some quiet time to journal alone), your faces are all used to make up who you are, and you can use them to compliment the circumstances and the people you are with authentically.

And lastly, try to observe yourself objectively to see how you come across to others.  For example, if you crack a joke, do others laugh with you, or do they sometimes look a bit offended?  If you get serious on a task, do others focus up with you, or do they disengage?  Authenticity involves closing the gap between our intentions and our impact, something only possible if you have insight into how others receive you.  What is your reputation?  What do others know they can consistently rely on you for?

In this process, don’t hesitate to get feedback if needed.  Asking trusted friends for their honest thoughts, taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or EQ-i 2.0 assessments, or even conducting a formal 360-degree feedback report can all be helpful tools to growing self-awareness.

2. Identify what you think others want from you.

The more we consciously understand others’ expectations of us, the less likely we will be to inauthentically change ourselves.  Rather than just going with the flow of what feels right in the moment, we will be able to begin to make intentional decisions to stand for who we are.

To start, try to name the pressures you feel and the contexts in which you feel them.  For example, “I feel pressure to come across as a polished presenter - when I am with the Executive Leadership Team.”  In what spaces do you often leave feeling out-of-place or unduly exhausted?  When do you feel tinges of social anxiety?  When do you notice that you add extra swagger or forced confidence to your words?  And most importantly, why?

If you are getting stuck, describe the general culture of the group or organization in which you find yourself acting inauthentically.  In what ways is the group or organization different from you?  What does the group or organization value and reward that you do not?

3. Identify discrepancies between what you really are and how you have been acting as a result of the pressures you feel.

Compare the two lists you’ve made: the list of who you are from step 1 and the list of what others want from you in step 2.  Where do you observe gaps or tension?

For example: “I dislike being pushy, but, in order to please my boss, I have been extremely demanding on my direct reports.”  Or: “I have a naturally-critical eye, but the company culture is very sensitive and affirming, so I find myself struggling to stay in my strengths without offending anyone.  I find myself beating around the bush way more than I would if I had my own way.”

Those are steps 1-3! These steps focus on fostering self-awareness and awareness of others, but they will set us up for success in the fourth and final part of this series on authenticity where we learn what to do with our awareness. Until then, which step will you focus on?

How to Be Authentic Part 2: Why We Struggle with Inauthenticity

Part 1 of this series sought to answer what authenticity is.

Today’s blog will answer the question, “Why do we struggle to be authentic?”

Oftentimes, inauthenticity appears when (1) we want to fit in, belong, and be accepted, and (2) to do so, we sense or believe that we must be something other than what we are. Sometimes, this inauthenticity can be purposeful and malicious, designed to “get in” with a group in order to dupe them for selfish gain. Ordinarily, though, inauthenticity happens accidentally or even subconsciously as we respond to the pressures and cues we pick up from our environments.

For example, I’m not naturally very trendy or aware of what is “in”; my wiring as an ENTJ lends me to be more curious about the abstract and peculiar. Growing up, in order to fit in with the popular group at school, what would have happened if I’d forced myself to adapt? To become “cool” and aware of who and what got into the headlines? Changing myself to do so would have led me down a path of inauthenticity.

Does that mean I could never have been friends with the popular kids? Not at all! Even in groups that may be naturally different from you, there are ways to grow authenticity without losing connection. We’ll take a look at 6 steps to do so in Part 3 and Part 4 of this series.

Until then, spend some time thinking about the contexts in which you feel an urge to be inauthentic. Where do you sense you feel pressure to be something different than what you naturally are. ?

How to Be Authentic Part 1: Defining Authenticity

Have you ever met someone who you would describe as “fake” or “insincere”?  Maybe you know someone who claims they are “happy to help anytime!” - and yet they vanish mysteriously in a crisis or moment of need.

We often struggle to trust those who are not authentic, and we are often attracted to those who we sense are real.  This is part of what makes High-Performing Teams so powerful; each team member knows where the others stand.  And that trust creates a straight and even highway on which the team can drive towards results.

What is authenticity?

Personal authenticity is about being real.  Being genuine.  Typically someone is being authentic when they are coming from their heart and living by their core values.  Authentic people courageously face opposition in order to say and do what is right.  They take the road less traveled, not to be different, but because it is aligned with what they believe to be right.  As a result, their actions are consistently aligned with their words.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that being authentic means being the same person to everyone.  However, that is not true.  Relating authentically means:

1. finding a common point between the other person and ourselves

2. and then interacting to foster that commonality,

3. ultimately building trust in a manner that is genuine.

In other words, authentic people are not trying to make themselves look good for you.  In fact, you can sense that they are so authentic, they have made themselves vulnerable.  No need to put on a mask or to perform for the other person.  Authenticity involves no marketing, posturing, or deception whatsoever.

Because of this, when someone is being authentic, it rings true inside of you, or a big smile will come over your face as you hear them speak.  You feel like you have been given an anchor.  You know where they stand.  You know what they are about.

In Part 2, we’ll look at why we struggle with inauthenticity. Until then, what parts of authenticity do you most want to develop?

Transitioning into a New Team and Culture as a CxO

Congratulations!  You are transitioning into a new company and a new role as a C-Suite executive.  For the first few days, you’re likely to be swamped in a flurry of welcomes and introductions, mandatory trainings, and IT set-up.

But after that, then comes the real action.  Time to get down to business.

...right?

Maybe not quite as much.  Companies are finding that their onboarding processes fail to set up their new CxOs for success.  Why?  Onboarding almost never addresses intangibles like culture, politics, and relationships.  If you aren’t given clear knowledge on these items, you may struggle to effectively manage your team, make successful decisions, or garner buy-in for your decisions.  For example:

• Will your firm stick to tradiition, despite the appearance of a promising but novel business idea? (This might be good to know before you pitch your promising but novel business.)

• Your firm might provide you with a company card, but what if the CFO looks down on you for flying first class instead of economy? (And what if the CFO is one of the first people you need to ask for clearance on a high-investment project? This specific scenario may not happen, but other similar faux pas happen frequently.)

• How do you address conflict?  The plaque on the wall says your firm values “open honesty”, but your team historically has addressed conflict passively.

• Who in the firm has real decision-making power?  The director?  Or the administrative assistant who stands behind the director?

Without knowing the answer to questions like these, new CxOs quickly find themselves tangled in an invisible web of red tape, maneuvering, and strategic and operational mishaps.  Nearly half of new CxOs fail within their first 18 months.  The reason?  “A poor grasp of how the organization works,” said 70% of respondents in a global survey of 500+ chief executives.  Another 65% said, “Cultural misfit.”  The third reason listed by 57% of respondents said, “Difficulty forging alliances with peers.”

The question then is: how do you successfully transition into a new team and a new culture as a CxO?  How do you manage, communicate to, and incentivize your new team?  How do you adjust to the micro-culture within your department?  How do you know what key stakeholders really value?  Here are 7 actionable tips to get you started.

1. Set relational goals.

   Frankly, the only way to learn about a company’s intangibles is to immerse yourself in them.  That means connecting with your firm’s people.  (If you’re an introvert, this also means going slowly and steadily and scheduling plenty of re-charge time for yourself.  If you’re an extrovert, this means evaluating who talks more in the meeting: you or them?  You can’t learn without listening!)

   You may be set up for some mandatory meetings within the first couple weeks.  But create your own goals for the first 90 days of employment.  While you yourself may not need the full 90 days to feel situated, others might.  Keep in mind those who are naturally reserved or shy.  And remember that you are about as high in the company as you can go.  Unfortunately, unless your company’s culture is truly unique, those around you will likely feel a power differential which can only be overcome by boosting familiarity, predictability, and mutual trust. 

   Organize in the way that works best for you:

   • Consider organizing by type of interaction: informal and formal, spontaneous and planned. For example, every week, plan to have:

     • 3 lunches

     • 10 hallway conversations

     • 1 team meeting

     • 3 one-on-one’s

   • Consider organizing by role. If you have an organization chart, use that to guide you. For example, every week, plan to have:

     • 5 meetings with direct reports

     • 2 meetings with other C-Suite executives

     • 2 meetings with Board members

     • 1 meeting with someone from HR, finance/accounting, IT, R&D, and Supply Chain each

   • Consider organizing by time. For example, plan to interact with people for:

     • 30 minutes each Monday

     • 1 hour each Tuesday

     • 3 hours each Wednesday

     • 30 minutes each Thursday

     • 3 hours each Friday

   Lastly, remember that you cannot only gravitate towards those who are like you or those who make you feel welcomed.  In order to effectively grasp your firm’s culture and politics, you need to talk especially to the marginalized, underrepresented, and introverted to see their view of the company as well.  Otherwise, you may find yourself in an unhelpful echo-chamber.

2. Plan your meeting content.

   What do you actually discuss in meetings?  Asking questions around someone’s family and recreations is a great place to start for casual conversations.  Learning about someone’s life - both outside of work and before you met them - helps build trusting relationships authentically.

   You may also want to target your conversations for your transition.  Consider these questions:

   With your direct reports:

   • “Where did you work before here?  How well did you like those jobs and companies?  What did you like and dislike about them?  What led you to work here?”

   • “What are your career aspirations?  Why do you come to work every day?”

   • “Describe for me the ideal manager.”  (Then incorporate what you hear into your leadership!  You should ask repeatedly and specifically for constructive feedback, giving spaces to hash out awkwardness and miscommunications.  But many employees, especially direct reports, will not initially feel comfortable enough to respond honestly.  Use this question for feedback that won’t put your direct reports on the spot.)

   • “What kind of support do you need?  How can I help you succeed?”

   • “Can you describe for me your personality?  How would friends and family describe your personality?”

   • “What is ‘normal protocol’ in the company?  Are there specific ‘correct procedures’ that need to be followed?  What is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

   With other CxOs and Board members:

   • “How will success in my new role be defined?  How will you know when I’ve adjusted?”

   • “What is most needed of me in the first quarter, the first year, and the first 5 years?”

   • “Are there other key stakeholders who may not be obvious?  If so, who?”

   • “What information do I need from you to be able to do the best job I can?”

   • “Here is what kind of behavior on the board’s part that would best enable me to have a trusting relationship at board meetings, between us, and in one-on-one conversations.”

3. Create an organization plan.

   Before you set off on the above, decide how you are going to track and organize the sudden influx of information.  Take a look at the following questions and have an answer prepared for each of them.

   • How will you track to-do’s?

   • How will you prioritize them?

   • How will you track your meetings?

     • Which meetings have you already had?

     • Which ones do you still need to have?

     • How will you know the agenda of each meeting?

     • How will you track the information you receive in each meeting?

   • How will you remember everyone’s names the first time and connect key information about them to them?

4. Work with a Coach.

   One of the greatest obstacles new C-Suite executives face is their own eagerness.  After all, you were hired for a reason.  In the selection process, you likely asked insightful questions and challenged inefficiencies.  Now you’re ready to get your hands dirty.

   But the intangibles take time.  No one can adequately describe the extent of their company’s culture in a day.  No one can build high-performing teams in a week.  As discussed earlier, taking drastic action before you know your firm’s intangibles can easily result in failure.

   You need patience, but you also need to prove that you can take action and make progress on your goals.  A good coach will help you nail that balance.

   Other benefits?  A coach will be key to helping you apply your individual goals to your new role.  A coach will also help you navigate any tricky politics you may immediately encounter.  And a coach can help level up your team.

5. Work alongside your predecessor.

   Tie up any loose strings with your predecessor and gain some insightful info at the same time.  Questions to ask include:

   • “What worked well?  What worked poorly?”

   • “What were you working on before I came?  How will those tasks be completed?  Will we be viewed as true partners by the Board?  Will we collaborate?  Will the tasks be dropped?”

   • “What is the company accustomed to experiencing from you?”  (If possible, take a look at their personality.)

   • “Who did you normally talk to for issues with [fill-in-the-blank]?”

   • “What is ‘normal protocol’ in the company?  Are there specific ‘correct procedures’ that need to be followed?  What is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

   You may not be able to fully work alongside your predecessor, but a coffee or lunch is still extremely valuable.  If you unfortunately cannot contact your predecessor at all, a mentor or sponsor is your next best bet.

6. Work with a mentor or sponsor.

   Some companies have begun to provide mentors or sponsors to help you learn the intangibles.  If you were not given one, ask your hiring team to point you to a long-standing employee, someone who can and is eager to help you understand the answers to any of your questions.  (Make sure to thank your mentor or sponsor properly!)

7. Talk to the CHRO.

   The CHRO (assuming that is not you) will be one of your greatest assets in transitioning successfully.  (If you are the CHRO, talk to the team that hired you.)  Ask your CHRO questions like:

   • “What attributes do I possess that resulted in me being selected for this new role?”

   • “What attributes do I still need to develop or enhance?”

   • “Do you have a clear job description that has buy-in from key stakeholders?”  Get as much clarity on areas of responsibility, authority, and decision rights as possible.

   • “Can I have...

     • Key information (mission, values, history)

     • Financial information

     • An organization chart and contacts list

     • A list of key acronyms

     • The resumes of my direct reports?”

   • “What is ‘normal protocol’ in the company?  Are there specific ‘correct procedures’ that need to be followed?  What is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

Starting a new job anywhere is exciting! I hope these tips help you succeed as a new CxO. If you have any further questions, please feel free to reach out at megan@ryancbailey.com. Always happy to help.

---

Megan Koh is a Career Development Coach, with over 7 years of experience in helping others find and achieve their dream jobs.  She lives south of Atlanta and is married to her sweetheart Danny.

The One Skill That Expedites Trust and Relationship Building

Do you want to build trust with your team, stakeholders, or even those you know outside of work? One way to build connections is to learn how to tell your story and encourage others to share their stories with you.  

Think of a time when you heard someone tell their story in an interesting and compelling way. What did you personally feel afterward? How did you feel about the storyteller afterward? Where was your trust level before they shared their story? How about afterwards?

Most of us are captivated by a good storyteller. Even made-up stories can keep us on edge. Storytelling can be especially effective and fruitful in the business world, when team members learn how to share their personal real-life stories with one another.

In a workshop format, clients are given a simple format to write out their story. Then they share their story and receive encouraging feedback from the team on what they heard. When teams hear they are going to spend four hours in a workshop doing this, they tend to panic. They fear being vulnerable, and they wonder if they will be embarrassed or even rejected. They fear they won’t do it right or that somehow it will backfire on them.  

In individual coaching sessions we often hear objections like, “I don’t have time for that,” or “My team would never get why I am doing that. It would just be weird,” or “If I do this wrong, how do I know it won’t be used against me?” Actually, what we’ve found is that when the storyteller is properly prepared and shares the story in an authentic and vulnerable way, the team feels connected to the storyteller and typically wants to know more. The insights the team gains often helps them “get” who the storyteller is and why they may behave in the ways they do.  

More importantly, the biggest gain we’ve found is that trust levels on the team go up dramatically as they hear one another’s stories.  

We’ve seen long standing conflicts be resolved. We’ve seen communication improve. We’ve seen teams achieve higher levels of performance. We’ve seen leaders obtain far greater buy-in from their teams. We’ve seen direct reports express that their leader knows how to coach them better and helps them achieve excellence in what they do.

Sometimes you don’t have time to share your entire story with your team. In those instances, focus on a key event that really shaped your life. Answering the following questions can be a beginning:

1. Who is my audience?

   How would you describe the audience you are going to share your story with? Is it an individual? A member of your team? A stakeholder in the organization? A prospect you are wanting a partnership with?

   Be clear on who they are, what they value, and what would be most helpful for them in the context in which you are engaging them. This is all part of defining who your audience is.

2. What is the one event that has most shaped who you are, as far as benefiting your audience is concerned? What trait or characteristic will they observe that helps them to understand you and work even better with you?

   In other words, is your audience someone who reports to you? For good or bad, what one thing will they notice which, if they understood how it came to be, would help them work with you more successfully?

   For example, one of the biggest things my team has noticed about me is that I give them a lot of space to do their job, and I trust them to do it well.  Frequently I keep an open door so they may ask for help. I wasn’t always that way, but the story of how I came to change helped them to know me much better. And my open door reassured them that if it feels like I am too hands-off, they are welcome to approach me so I can get in the trenches with them on whatever their current task is.

3. What are the key details of that event?

   It is here that you want to bullet-point the key details of that event or story from beginning to end. What did you feel as you went through those key details?

   It is very important that you do not just state the facts but that you also share what you felt about them. This helps your audience connect to you and to see the events as you saw them rather than with their own biases.

   You don’t have to overdo this. Keep it simple, like “When XYZ happened, I felt ABC,” or “I felt overwhelmed by X,” or “I laughed hysterically when...”

4. How do I figure out the right level of transparency for this audience?

   I typically encourage clients to favor vulnerability and authenticity over transparency. Vulnerability is about taking a risk. The Oxford dictionary defines vulnerability as “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”  Authenticity is about being genuine. No posturing for the audience. No deceit or embellishing the story to try to make it more appealing. Transparency, in this case, is about the facts.

   Certain facts about our lives we may not care if others know. Other facts only some know. Still others a few trustworthy people know. And there may be a couple of facts that no one or only one person knows. You want to choose the level of transparency that fits your audience. 

   With a team that I am coaching or training, I might share a story that is only one or two steps deeper than the surface. As we get to know each other more, and only if it benefits them, I will go progressively deeper. With my own team, I might start at the same level as I do with a team I am coaching, but go at a much quicker pace in order to share deeper stories or events that will help them to know me better. This helps us to work successfully together, to cover each others’ blind spots, and work as a high performing team.

5. What would help me to be vulnerable as I share?

   What helps me to be vulnerable is to remember times when others risked being vulnerable in a boardroom or workshop. Inevitably, when someone became appropriately vulnerable, the whole room would relax and smile and realize it was OK to be human at work. The more I think about those occasions, the better it goes for me in present circumstances.

   If you can’t think of a time when you saw appropriate vulnerability, watch any of Brené Brown’s video clips. She does a great job of educating her audience and demonstrating vulnerability while doing so.

6. How do I share the most important part(s) of the story in a  way that helps listeners be in the “room” where that part of the story took place?

   You want to paint the scene for that part of the story. Give enough details for the listeners to sense that they are in the “room” with you. Describe the space you were in, give a play-by-play of what was happening. Describe what you felt in more detail. Use your tone of voice in a way that shows the emotion or energy you were feeling.

7. What would help me to remain authentic throughout the story?

   You can even describe what it was like to read a boring book in such a way that those listening will be captivated. Just share the facts and what you genuinely felt about the facts. Don’t embellish. Just be you.

   What also helps to foster a high degree of authenticity is to remember that you are enough. The very fact that you are human gives you a tremendous amount of dignity and makes you worth listening to.

   Something else that helps me is to sense when my walls are going up and to assess why. If they are going up because I fear someone else’s reaction and is not based on evidence I have as I am telling them the story, then I take the risk of bringing the walls back down and continue to share authentically.

   Finally, it helps me to remember that I can be authentic and vulnerable without having to share the facts of my deepest, darkest secrets. Think of moments when you witnessed someone being authentic and vulnerable.  No doubt on some of those occasions the person talking was not sharing the facts of their deepest darkest secrets, but was sharing their experience or about how they felt in a vulnerable and authentic way. It’s vulnerability and authenticity that make someone a great storyteller, and vulnerability and authenticity foster significant trust better than letting listeners into your secrets.

Storytelling is a skill that gets better with practice. Typically, when you are vulnerable and authentic, you draw hearts into you. Trust builds. People can relate to you. Master this art and watch engagement on your team soar. Watch them exceed their team goals, and watch how people will just like you more.

Chew On This:

• What one event has most impacted who you are today?

** This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is represented.

How To Effectively Deal With Anxiety In 15 Minutes or Less

One of the top struggles for leaders is learning how to manage their anxiety. As a leader, you carry an incredible amount of responsibility. You have people counting on you. You want to continue to grow and excel, and you want to have an impact. Given the complexity of the obstacles before a leader, their anxiety can often go through the roof.  However, they know that they are being watched carefully, by those who report to them, peers, and those they themselves are accountable to.  Consequently, many try to stuff their anxiety. They “act as if” everything is okay, finding the silver lining in whatever it is they are going through, and waiting till no one is around to allow themselves to fully feel the anxiety that is just under the surface.

Studies have shown that some amount of anxiety can actually help performance.  However, many times anxiety can get so strong that it works against us.  We are not able to generate solutions. We may find ourselves unable to fall asleep, or we wake up in the middle of the night and are unable to fall back asleep. Or we may start stress-eating, or stress-fasting.  Perhaps we are not fully present in meetings, or are not hearing our direct reports when they really need us.  Anxiety can take different guises.

I want to offer a simple, tangible tool to decrease your anxiety in the workplace (and in your personal life!).

Do you want to deal effectively with your anxiety in 15 minutes or less?

Download this Excel spreadsheet and I will walk you through a way to do just that. Afterwards, I will give you an example of how I used it to overcome one of my worst recurring anxieties.

Looking at the worksheet, follow me along. You need to be detailed in columns B-F.  The more details, the more you should feel your anxiety being impacted as you go from column to column.

Column A: The date when you are doing this exercise for the anxiety you are currently facing (no details here :-)

Column B: Write in detail the absolute worst case scenario that could arise from the situation that is currently making you anxious.  Describe the factors that make this the worst case scenario, and write what you would feel if that scenario arose.  Do not hold back on details in this column.  You know you are doing a great job if your anxiety picks up, or you can clearly recognize that your anxiety would be horribly higher if that worst case scenario were to happen.  Once you feel that, immediately go to column C.

Column C: Write what good options can come if the absolute worst case scenario happened.  If you did a good job in column B, it should be hard to think of more than one good thing that could come from that worst case scenario.  This is where you have to break down the question by relating it to specific parts of life.  In other words, what good could come....

• Vocationally

• Relationally

• Emotionally

• Mentally

• Financially

• Spiritually

• Physically

• For each person directly impacted from the scenario

• For loved ones

• For your team

• For your overall organization

• Etc.

You know you can stop thinking of options when the edge has been taken off the anxiety and you are starting to feel hope.  You probably still feel anxious, but it has gone down a couple of notches and you can begin to see a way forward.  Then go to Column D.

Column D: Describe the actual scenario you find yourself in.  Once again, you want to state the facts of what you feel along with what you would feel about the facts.  You need to be detailed here.  Really describe it until you can taste it.

Column E: Generate options for what good things can come from Column D.  Since you have found options through the worst case scenario, you should see options for column E.  Literally, you can copy and paste many of the ones from Column C, but here you will get more specific about what you’re actually facing.  You need to keep generating options until you feel hope and your anxiety has gone down tremendously.

My Personal Success Story

Here is a template for what this exercise could look like.  It is a bit embarrassing for me to share this, but it proves how well this tool works.

I used to write business plans for a living and, with the exception of two years of my life, I have always run my own business.  I went to business school and studied business cycles.  So you would think that I would not get overly anxious about the down side of the business cycle in a calendar year.

Yet, despite all of the evidence that shows how predictable the down time is, and even more, the clear evidence that things pick up at about the same time every year, I used to get really anxious during the downtime of the business cycle.

My wife would always look at me and say, “It was like this last year” or “This year is not as bad as last year." And sure enough, things would start to turn around. But year after year, I lived with anxiety.

So if you have the What Good Could Come From This? spreadsheet up, let me walk you through what has put a permanent stop to this recurring anxiety.

A few years ago, I wrote the date in Column A.

Then in Column B, I wrote out the absolute worst case scenario that could come from the downtime in the business cycle.  Here is what I wrote:

During a down business cycle, not just 20-25% of clients drop, but all drop.  As much as I try to generate income for my family, we wind up losing all of our assets, including our house.  Then my wife, my kids, and my in-laws are forced to live under a bridge.  I would see them suffering and feel guilty, ashamed, desperate, isolated.  I would believe it was all my fault that this scenario happened and I would feel crushed by it.

When I got to Column C, I could hardly think of one good thing that could come from the worst case scenario.  So I focused on what good could come in different parts of my life.  Here is what I saw, and I wrote:

Any time I have gone through a career change, a better option has emerged. It could happen again in just the same way. My wife and I have always been tight during hard times - this one could be the same.  I could get more time with my kids.  My in-laws are incredibly gracious and resourceful.  They would help brainstorm ideas. I would be walking a lot more so I would be in better shape.  If I lost all my assets, then anything that gets added would be better financially.  I would have more time to think and get creative.  I could even get positive about this situation if I saw good things come.  It would teach me to be mentally resilient.  I could see people at my church help us in unexpected ways.  God and I could get tighter and I could see Him act in unexpected ways.  Those on my team could find other opportunities.  They are gifted and resourceful as well.  Or they would brainstorm options with me and our company could emerge better than ever.

At that point, I started to feel a little better and had a little hope, so I jumped to Column D.  I described the actual scenario as follows:

There are only two times of the year when the business cycle is lower.  Just as summer is starting there is a brief 10-15% drop. It lasts a couple of weeks and then picks up again, especially with more training gigs.  Then, a week before Thanksgiving through the second or third week in January, there is a 20-25% drop.  Although I get really anxious during this time, all that happens is that we eat out less and we dip into savings a little.  But I get really anxious and believe that it is going to dry up.  I get clouded, don't make the most of the time I have, stay down despite others noting that we experience this drop every year. The holidays help but I am still somewhat distracted.

Then when I got to Column E, it was much easier to generate options for what good could come from the actual scenario.  Here is what I wrote:

• Vocationally - I have time to do what I don't get enough time to do (i.e. business development, train the team, get ahead on blogs, get trained on the things that will advance clients, take a longer vacation, etc.)

• Relationally - I can take advantage of the situation and spend more time with my wife and kids. It would be great to hang more with friends.

• Emotionally - I can rest up more and do a better job at processing my own emotions.

• Physically - I can work out more--go after more FitBit Workweek Hustles and beat top competitors.

• Financially - I can review how my company and family spend money, and eliminate where we are wasting money or find better, more economical ways to accomplish what we want to accomplish.

• Mentally - I can dream more, focus on gratitude more, do more brain games, even get unplugged more.

• Spiritually - I can up the times I spend connecting to God in ways that have been meaningful. My wife and I can take an extra weekend away right in the middle of the holiday rushes. The kids and I can do more fun things. The team and I could also do a fun holiday party. Our company can volunteer and help others.

By the time I was done, I felt great.

I’ve found that in order to experience what I did, you have to give Columns B-E lots of detail, especially in the emotional description of what you could feel (if the worst case scenario happened) or what you are currently feeling (from the actual case scenario).  Then you have to generate lots of options in Column E.

You are going to feel so much hope if you do a good job of generating options.  Capture that hope in Column F.  So I wrote:

I feel hopeful and alive.  I feel free.

The very next year, not only did I not have fear going into the biggest drop in the cycle, but I was looking forward to all the things I would do that would move the needle forward.

Clients who have used this tool share that after they have used it a few times, when they face the next anxious moment and open up the spreadsheet, in the process of scrolling down to the next free row, they don’t even have to write anything because the reminder of how they felt hope when using this tool has led them to feel hope about the current situation.

Moreover, clients have shared that eventually, they begin to feel hope when they just see the spreadsheet in their Finder window.

What’s been freaky to hear is that some clients who were diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder and were being medicated for it, have had their meds reduced, and a few have even gotten off anxiety meds completely.

Genuinely hoping this tool pays as many dividends for you as it has for them and for me.

Chew On This:

• What would remind you to use the What Good Could Come From This tool the next time you feel anxious?

Ryan C. Bailey is President and CEO of an organizational effectiveness company that equips leaders to develop in-demand high performing teams.

*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.

What To Do When Joining a Pre-Existing Team as the New Leader

You just got promoted, or maybe you just took a leadership position in a new company. Regardless, you will probably find yourself leading a pre-existing team. Team members know each other well, but you are the new one on the team.

Here are a few tips that clients have found to be universal principles of success for this scenario.

Building Rapport and Establishing Trust

1. Get to know your team well.

The faster you can build a connection with each member of the team, the more you will understand each other. You will build trust. You and your team members will discover how to leverage each other's strengths and contain one another's weaknesses.  More than that, you will be building a foundation for bringing the team to the next level.

2. Learn who the influencers in the company are.

In whatever organization you are in, there are certain people who have tremendous influence. Many times it is the leaders, but often you may discover that there is an administrative assistant who seems to hold a lot of influence.  Don't forget that each team has a member who is not the leader, but who wields a lot of sway over the others on the team.  As early as you can, you want to be actively building relationships with those people. Influencers can help you bust through obstacles. They can catalyze other relationships for you. Influencers also help with that next promotion. But even more than that, they will help you master the role you are in. Get to know who they are and build relationships with them.

3. Go through Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism, for yourself, your team, and if possible, with your boss.

One of the first things you will need to understand is what is the most important part of your role, your team’s role, and your boss’ role. This book will help you do just that.  The more you, your team, and your boss are focused on the most important part of your roles, the more you all will move to the next level.

4. Find a base hit that is at the core of your role, your team’s role, or your boss’ role and fulfill it within 90 days.

Many start in a new role and just want to observe.  Others start, but they want to make a big grand slam home run right away.

In most cases, I've discovered that the clients who deliver base hits are the ones who win over their stakeholders and fellow associates.

Look for something that’s important in your role, your team’s overall role, or your boss’ role, where a base hit can be created.

If you can consistently deliver base hits, you will achieve remarkable results for you and your team.

Be sure to have one completed within the first 90 days so that it influences the perception people have of you.

5. Observe, observe, observe.

You will probably need to become a student for awhile, learning from your team members, peers, and boss how to accomplish meaningful actions.

You need to get the lay of the land first. If you try to make big bold moves right away, you may not realize until it’s too late that the big bold move was a colossal mistake because it did not fit the way the team or department works.

People tend to struggle with change. They want to build trust with you before things become massively different. Give them a chance to do that, and you will see how much more buy-in you will get.

Congratulations on landing the new position. You have the competence to pull off what you were hired to do. Now it is time to apply some principles and emotional intelligence to build relationships and set a foundation for major impact.

Enjoy the ride.

Chew On This:

• What can you do to know your team better?

Ryan C. Bailey is President and CEO of an organizational effectiveness company

*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.