How to Be Authentic Part 4: Steps 4-6

Welcome back to the fourth and final part of our series on How to Be Authentic! If you missed Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3, feel free to go back and read those now. This last post dives into steps 4-6 on how to build authenticity in such a way that you can be true to yourself and still connect with others. Let’s dive in!

4. Rather than changing yourself to fit in with what you sense or believe others demand of you, look for genuine connection points instead.

Start by putting on your curiosity hat and asking others about themselves.  Some easy questions you can ask to engage others include:

• What brought you to this company?

• What parts of your current role do you like and dislike?

• If you could get paid to do anything you wanted, what would you do?

• What do you like to do for fun?

• What was your favorite part of being a kid?

As you listen, search for points in their story that are common to your story or to any of your various faces.  Then relate to them, starting from that basis: “Oh, you grew up in the countryside?  I did too!  We actually owned a cow and a couple chickens.”

As you do this, trust will begin to grow.

As a side note: as trust grows with time, the person you talk to will likely risk sharing more about themselves.  Either you can relate to them or you cannot.  Do not lie to build false connection, e.g. saying “I totally love tennis” when you do not!

If you cannot connect with what someone shares, you can still actively listen and keep exploring with more curiosity-driven questions.  For example: “I’m actually not as big into tennis, or most sports, to be honest!  I’m pretty uncoordinated.  But I love how passionate you are about it!  What parts of tennis do you love?”

5. If you are addressing others in a group, look for something everyone has in common, something the team values as a whole.  Relate to the group there.

For example, does everyone on your team value relationships over results?  If so, tap into the relational side of you and emphasize that aspect when addressing the entire team.  You could reference results, but results would not be primary.

Note also that you do not have to force yourself to become a master of relationships in this example - as doing so would be inauthentic!  But you should rely more heavily on some relational faces that you have, which would allow you to build connection while remaining authentic.

The goal is to develop points common to the overall team, same as in step 4.

6. Lastly, recognize that some faces will be more appropriate than others, depending on the context.

In addition to being a corporate coach, Korean-cuisine chef-wannabe, and Chopin fangirl, I have two other faces: (1) I’m a huge data nerd, and (2) I love cute stationery.  :)

Let’s go back to my high school days to illustrate. Let’s say an artsy kid mentioned that she is absolutely loving her new stationery collection.  I should connect with her authentically on our mutual love of pretty paper.  But I would not want to start off the relationship by saying that I’m a huge data nerd, as that is a face of myself that the artsy girl would likely not be able to connect with initially.

However, once more trust is built between us and a foundational relationship is established, I would then later be able to share with my friend that I am a huge data nerd.  She might not be able to relate, but she would accept that as another part of me.

In this way, authenticity and connection can grow hand-in-hand.  You learn to embrace and build on similarities while introducing the new and differing facets of yourself.

~ ~ ~

Those are all 6 steps to growing your authenticity!  What step would increase your current level of authenticity the most?

As always, if you have any questions, please let me know at megan@ryancbailey.com. Happy to connect!

How to Be Authentic Part 3: Steps 1-3

In Part 1 of this series, we defined authenticity. In Part 2 of this series, we explored why we can struggle with inauthenticity. Now, we’ll take a look at some practical steps you can take to grow your authenticity! Let’s dive right in.

1. Foster self-awareness.

Authenticity starts with knowing yourself.

Create a list of what you stand for and believe in.  What are your values?  What are the elements of yourself that are so true to ‘you’ that you wouldn’t be yourself without them?

What about your strengths?  Where do you excel, and what skills have you developed to a high degree of mastery?  How do you adapt and change when under pressure or stress?  If you see yourself exhibit patterns of behaviors, spend some time thinking about where those patterns developed.  For example, do you easily make friends in new environments?  Or are you someone who is on the constant lookout for ways to optimize your routine?  Do you notice that you tend to add sprinkles of art throughout your living spaces?  Spend some time thinking about where those patterns developed.  Why do you do what you do?

Also consider the different faces of yourself.  For example, I am a corporate coach.  I also happen to love cooking Korean food and Chopin.  If you saw me coaching in a corporate setting, whipping up a storm of banchan (Korean side dishes) in my kitchen, or enjoying a Chopin concert, you would see three different sides of me.  They are all me, just different faces.  Although some faces may seem contradictory (e.g. I love people and also some quiet time to journal alone), your faces are all used to make up who you are, and you can use them to compliment the circumstances and the people you are with authentically.

And lastly, try to observe yourself objectively to see how you come across to others.  For example, if you crack a joke, do others laugh with you, or do they sometimes look a bit offended?  If you get serious on a task, do others focus up with you, or do they disengage?  Authenticity involves closing the gap between our intentions and our impact, something only possible if you have insight into how others receive you.  What is your reputation?  What do others know they can consistently rely on you for?

In this process, don’t hesitate to get feedback if needed.  Asking trusted friends for their honest thoughts, taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or EQ-i 2.0 assessments, or even conducting a formal 360-degree feedback report can all be helpful tools to growing self-awareness.

2. Identify what you think others want from you.

The more we consciously understand others’ expectations of us, the less likely we will be to inauthentically change ourselves.  Rather than just going with the flow of what feels right in the moment, we will be able to begin to make intentional decisions to stand for who we are.

To start, try to name the pressures you feel and the contexts in which you feel them.  For example, “I feel pressure to come across as a polished presenter - when I am with the Executive Leadership Team.”  In what spaces do you often leave feeling out-of-place or unduly exhausted?  When do you feel tinges of social anxiety?  When do you notice that you add extra swagger or forced confidence to your words?  And most importantly, why?

If you are getting stuck, describe the general culture of the group or organization in which you find yourself acting inauthentically.  In what ways is the group or organization different from you?  What does the group or organization value and reward that you do not?

3. Identify discrepancies between what you really are and how you have been acting as a result of the pressures you feel.

Compare the two lists you’ve made: the list of who you are from step 1 and the list of what others want from you in step 2.  Where do you observe gaps or tension?

For example: “I dislike being pushy, but, in order to please my boss, I have been extremely demanding on my direct reports.”  Or: “I have a naturally-critical eye, but the company culture is very sensitive and affirming, so I find myself struggling to stay in my strengths without offending anyone.  I find myself beating around the bush way more than I would if I had my own way.”

Those are steps 1-3! These steps focus on fostering self-awareness and awareness of others, but they will set us up for success in the fourth and final part of this series on authenticity where we learn what to do with our awareness. Until then, which step will you focus on?

How to Be Authentic Part 2: Why We Struggle with Inauthenticity

Part 1 of this series sought to answer what authenticity is.

Today’s blog will answer the question, “Why do we struggle to be authentic?”

Oftentimes, inauthenticity appears when (1) we want to fit in, belong, and be accepted, and (2) to do so, we sense or believe that we must be something other than what we are. Sometimes, this inauthenticity can be purposeful and malicious, designed to “get in” with a group in order to dupe them for selfish gain. Ordinarily, though, inauthenticity happens accidentally or even subconsciously as we respond to the pressures and cues we pick up from our environments.

For example, I’m not naturally very trendy or aware of what is “in”; my wiring as an ENTJ lends me to be more curious about the abstract and peculiar. Growing up, in order to fit in with the popular group at school, what would have happened if I’d forced myself to adapt? To become “cool” and aware of who and what got into the headlines? Changing myself to do so would have led me down a path of inauthenticity.

Does that mean I could never have been friends with the popular kids? Not at all! Even in groups that may be naturally different from you, there are ways to grow authenticity without losing connection. We’ll take a look at 6 steps to do so in Part 3 and Part 4 of this series.

Until then, spend some time thinking about the contexts in which you feel an urge to be inauthentic. Where do you sense you feel pressure to be something different than what you naturally are. ?

How to Be Authentic Part 1: Defining Authenticity

Have you ever met someone who you would describe as “fake” or “insincere”?  Maybe you know someone who claims they are “happy to help anytime!” - and yet they vanish mysteriously in a crisis or moment of need.

We often struggle to trust those who are not authentic, and we are often attracted to those who we sense are real.  This is part of what makes High-Performing Teams so powerful; each team member knows where the others stand.  And that trust creates a straight and even highway on which the team can drive towards results.

What is authenticity?

Personal authenticity is about being real.  Being genuine.  Typically someone is being authentic when they are coming from their heart and living by their core values.  Authentic people courageously face opposition in order to say and do what is right.  They take the road less traveled, not to be different, but because it is aligned with what they believe to be right.  As a result, their actions are consistently aligned with their words.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that being authentic means being the same person to everyone.  However, that is not true.  Relating authentically means:

1. finding a common point between the other person and ourselves

2. and then interacting to foster that commonality,

3. ultimately building trust in a manner that is genuine.

In other words, authentic people are not trying to make themselves look good for you.  In fact, you can sense that they are so authentic, they have made themselves vulnerable.  No need to put on a mask or to perform for the other person.  Authenticity involves no marketing, posturing, or deception whatsoever.

Because of this, when someone is being authentic, it rings true inside of you, or a big smile will come over your face as you hear them speak.  You feel like you have been given an anchor.  You know where they stand.  You know what they are about.

In Part 2, we’ll look at why we struggle with inauthenticity. Until then, what parts of authenticity do you most want to develop?

The One Skill That Expedites Trust and Relationship Building

Do you want to build trust with your team, stakeholders, or even those you know outside of work? One way to build connections is to learn how to tell your story and encourage others to share their stories with you.  

Think of a time when you heard someone tell their story in an interesting and compelling way. What did you personally feel afterward? How did you feel about the storyteller afterward? Where was your trust level before they shared their story? How about afterwards?

Most of us are captivated by a good storyteller. Even made-up stories can keep us on edge. Storytelling can be especially effective and fruitful in the business world, when team members learn how to share their personal real-life stories with one another.

In a workshop format, clients are given a simple format to write out their story. Then they share their story and receive encouraging feedback from the team on what they heard. When teams hear they are going to spend four hours in a workshop doing this, they tend to panic. They fear being vulnerable, and they wonder if they will be embarrassed or even rejected. They fear they won’t do it right or that somehow it will backfire on them.  

In individual coaching sessions we often hear objections like, “I don’t have time for that,” or “My team would never get why I am doing that. It would just be weird,” or “If I do this wrong, how do I know it won’t be used against me?” Actually, what we’ve found is that when the storyteller is properly prepared and shares the story in an authentic and vulnerable way, the team feels connected to the storyteller and typically wants to know more. The insights the team gains often helps them “get” who the storyteller is and why they may behave in the ways they do.  

More importantly, the biggest gain we’ve found is that trust levels on the team go up dramatically as they hear one another’s stories.  

We’ve seen long standing conflicts be resolved. We’ve seen communication improve. We’ve seen teams achieve higher levels of performance. We’ve seen leaders obtain far greater buy-in from their teams. We’ve seen direct reports express that their leader knows how to coach them better and helps them achieve excellence in what they do.

Sometimes you don’t have time to share your entire story with your team. In those instances, focus on a key event that really shaped your life. Answering the following questions can be a beginning:

1. Who is my audience?

   How would you describe the audience you are going to share your story with? Is it an individual? A member of your team? A stakeholder in the organization? A prospect you are wanting a partnership with?

   Be clear on who they are, what they value, and what would be most helpful for them in the context in which you are engaging them. This is all part of defining who your audience is.

2. What is the one event that has most shaped who you are, as far as benefiting your audience is concerned? What trait or characteristic will they observe that helps them to understand you and work even better with you?

   In other words, is your audience someone who reports to you? For good or bad, what one thing will they notice which, if they understood how it came to be, would help them work with you more successfully?

   For example, one of the biggest things my team has noticed about me is that I give them a lot of space to do their job, and I trust them to do it well.  Frequently I keep an open door so they may ask for help. I wasn’t always that way, but the story of how I came to change helped them to know me much better. And my open door reassured them that if it feels like I am too hands-off, they are welcome to approach me so I can get in the trenches with them on whatever their current task is.

3. What are the key details of that event?

   It is here that you want to bullet-point the key details of that event or story from beginning to end. What did you feel as you went through those key details?

   It is very important that you do not just state the facts but that you also share what you felt about them. This helps your audience connect to you and to see the events as you saw them rather than with their own biases.

   You don’t have to overdo this. Keep it simple, like “When XYZ happened, I felt ABC,” or “I felt overwhelmed by X,” or “I laughed hysterically when...”

4. How do I figure out the right level of transparency for this audience?

   I typically encourage clients to favor vulnerability and authenticity over transparency. Vulnerability is about taking a risk. The Oxford dictionary defines vulnerability as “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”  Authenticity is about being genuine. No posturing for the audience. No deceit or embellishing the story to try to make it more appealing. Transparency, in this case, is about the facts.

   Certain facts about our lives we may not care if others know. Other facts only some know. Still others a few trustworthy people know. And there may be a couple of facts that no one or only one person knows. You want to choose the level of transparency that fits your audience. 

   With a team that I am coaching or training, I might share a story that is only one or two steps deeper than the surface. As we get to know each other more, and only if it benefits them, I will go progressively deeper. With my own team, I might start at the same level as I do with a team I am coaching, but go at a much quicker pace in order to share deeper stories or events that will help them to know me better. This helps us to work successfully together, to cover each others’ blind spots, and work as a high performing team.

5. What would help me to be vulnerable as I share?

   What helps me to be vulnerable is to remember times when others risked being vulnerable in a boardroom or workshop. Inevitably, when someone became appropriately vulnerable, the whole room would relax and smile and realize it was OK to be human at work. The more I think about those occasions, the better it goes for me in present circumstances.

   If you can’t think of a time when you saw appropriate vulnerability, watch any of Brené Brown’s video clips. She does a great job of educating her audience and demonstrating vulnerability while doing so.

6. How do I share the most important part(s) of the story in a  way that helps listeners be in the “room” where that part of the story took place?

   You want to paint the scene for that part of the story. Give enough details for the listeners to sense that they are in the “room” with you. Describe the space you were in, give a play-by-play of what was happening. Describe what you felt in more detail. Use your tone of voice in a way that shows the emotion or energy you were feeling.

7. What would help me to remain authentic throughout the story?

   You can even describe what it was like to read a boring book in such a way that those listening will be captivated. Just share the facts and what you genuinely felt about the facts. Don’t embellish. Just be you.

   What also helps to foster a high degree of authenticity is to remember that you are enough. The very fact that you are human gives you a tremendous amount of dignity and makes you worth listening to.

   Something else that helps me is to sense when my walls are going up and to assess why. If they are going up because I fear someone else’s reaction and is not based on evidence I have as I am telling them the story, then I take the risk of bringing the walls back down and continue to share authentically.

   Finally, it helps me to remember that I can be authentic and vulnerable without having to share the facts of my deepest, darkest secrets. Think of moments when you witnessed someone being authentic and vulnerable.  No doubt on some of those occasions the person talking was not sharing the facts of their deepest darkest secrets, but was sharing their experience or about how they felt in a vulnerable and authentic way. It’s vulnerability and authenticity that make someone a great storyteller, and vulnerability and authenticity foster significant trust better than letting listeners into your secrets.

Storytelling is a skill that gets better with practice. Typically, when you are vulnerable and authentic, you draw hearts into you. Trust builds. People can relate to you. Master this art and watch engagement on your team soar. Watch them exceed their team goals, and watch how people will just like you more.

Chew On This:

• What one event has most impacted who you are today?

** This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is represented.