How to Be Authentic Part 4: Steps 4-6

Welcome back to the fourth and final part of our series on How to Be Authentic! If you missed Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3, feel free to go back and read those now. This last post dives into steps 4-6 on how to build authenticity in such a way that you can be true to yourself and still connect with others. Let’s dive in!

4. Rather than changing yourself to fit in with what you sense or believe others demand of you, look for genuine connection points instead.

Start by putting on your curiosity hat and asking others about themselves.  Some easy questions you can ask to engage others include:

• What brought you to this company?

• What parts of your current role do you like and dislike?

• If you could get paid to do anything you wanted, what would you do?

• What do you like to do for fun?

• What was your favorite part of being a kid?

As you listen, search for points in their story that are common to your story or to any of your various faces.  Then relate to them, starting from that basis: “Oh, you grew up in the countryside?  I did too!  We actually owned a cow and a couple chickens.”

As you do this, trust will begin to grow.

As a side note: as trust grows with time, the person you talk to will likely risk sharing more about themselves.  Either you can relate to them or you cannot.  Do not lie to build false connection, e.g. saying “I totally love tennis” when you do not!

If you cannot connect with what someone shares, you can still actively listen and keep exploring with more curiosity-driven questions.  For example: “I’m actually not as big into tennis, or most sports, to be honest!  I’m pretty uncoordinated.  But I love how passionate you are about it!  What parts of tennis do you love?”

5. If you are addressing others in a group, look for something everyone has in common, something the team values as a whole.  Relate to the group there.

For example, does everyone on your team value relationships over results?  If so, tap into the relational side of you and emphasize that aspect when addressing the entire team.  You could reference results, but results would not be primary.

Note also that you do not have to force yourself to become a master of relationships in this example - as doing so would be inauthentic!  But you should rely more heavily on some relational faces that you have, which would allow you to build connection while remaining authentic.

The goal is to develop points common to the overall team, same as in step 4.

6. Lastly, recognize that some faces will be more appropriate than others, depending on the context.

In addition to being a corporate coach, Korean-cuisine chef-wannabe, and Chopin fangirl, I have two other faces: (1) I’m a huge data nerd, and (2) I love cute stationery.  :)

Let’s go back to my high school days to illustrate. Let’s say an artsy kid mentioned that she is absolutely loving her new stationery collection.  I should connect with her authentically on our mutual love of pretty paper.  But I would not want to start off the relationship by saying that I’m a huge data nerd, as that is a face of myself that the artsy girl would likely not be able to connect with initially.

However, once more trust is built between us and a foundational relationship is established, I would then later be able to share with my friend that I am a huge data nerd.  She might not be able to relate, but she would accept that as another part of me.

In this way, authenticity and connection can grow hand-in-hand.  You learn to embrace and build on similarities while introducing the new and differing facets of yourself.

~ ~ ~

Those are all 6 steps to growing your authenticity!  What step would increase your current level of authenticity the most?

As always, if you have any questions, please let me know at megan@ryancbailey.com. Happy to connect!

How to Be Authentic Part 3: Steps 1-3

In Part 1 of this series, we defined authenticity. In Part 2 of this series, we explored why we can struggle with inauthenticity. Now, we’ll take a look at some practical steps you can take to grow your authenticity! Let’s dive right in.

1. Foster self-awareness.

Authenticity starts with knowing yourself.

Create a list of what you stand for and believe in.  What are your values?  What are the elements of yourself that are so true to ‘you’ that you wouldn’t be yourself without them?

What about your strengths?  Where do you excel, and what skills have you developed to a high degree of mastery?  How do you adapt and change when under pressure or stress?  If you see yourself exhibit patterns of behaviors, spend some time thinking about where those patterns developed.  For example, do you easily make friends in new environments?  Or are you someone who is on the constant lookout for ways to optimize your routine?  Do you notice that you tend to add sprinkles of art throughout your living spaces?  Spend some time thinking about where those patterns developed.  Why do you do what you do?

Also consider the different faces of yourself.  For example, I am a corporate coach.  I also happen to love cooking Korean food and Chopin.  If you saw me coaching in a corporate setting, whipping up a storm of banchan (Korean side dishes) in my kitchen, or enjoying a Chopin concert, you would see three different sides of me.  They are all me, just different faces.  Although some faces may seem contradictory (e.g. I love people and also some quiet time to journal alone), your faces are all used to make up who you are, and you can use them to compliment the circumstances and the people you are with authentically.

And lastly, try to observe yourself objectively to see how you come across to others.  For example, if you crack a joke, do others laugh with you, or do they sometimes look a bit offended?  If you get serious on a task, do others focus up with you, or do they disengage?  Authenticity involves closing the gap between our intentions and our impact, something only possible if you have insight into how others receive you.  What is your reputation?  What do others know they can consistently rely on you for?

In this process, don’t hesitate to get feedback if needed.  Asking trusted friends for their honest thoughts, taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or EQ-i 2.0 assessments, or even conducting a formal 360-degree feedback report can all be helpful tools to growing self-awareness.

2. Identify what you think others want from you.

The more we consciously understand others’ expectations of us, the less likely we will be to inauthentically change ourselves.  Rather than just going with the flow of what feels right in the moment, we will be able to begin to make intentional decisions to stand for who we are.

To start, try to name the pressures you feel and the contexts in which you feel them.  For example, “I feel pressure to come across as a polished presenter - when I am with the Executive Leadership Team.”  In what spaces do you often leave feeling out-of-place or unduly exhausted?  When do you feel tinges of social anxiety?  When do you notice that you add extra swagger or forced confidence to your words?  And most importantly, why?

If you are getting stuck, describe the general culture of the group or organization in which you find yourself acting inauthentically.  In what ways is the group or organization different from you?  What does the group or organization value and reward that you do not?

3. Identify discrepancies between what you really are and how you have been acting as a result of the pressures you feel.

Compare the two lists you’ve made: the list of who you are from step 1 and the list of what others want from you in step 2.  Where do you observe gaps or tension?

For example: “I dislike being pushy, but, in order to please my boss, I have been extremely demanding on my direct reports.”  Or: “I have a naturally-critical eye, but the company culture is very sensitive and affirming, so I find myself struggling to stay in my strengths without offending anyone.  I find myself beating around the bush way more than I would if I had my own way.”

Those are steps 1-3! These steps focus on fostering self-awareness and awareness of others, but they will set us up for success in the fourth and final part of this series on authenticity where we learn what to do with our awareness. Until then, which step will you focus on?

How to Be Authentic Part 2: Why We Struggle with Inauthenticity

Part 1 of this series sought to answer what authenticity is.

Today’s blog will answer the question, “Why do we struggle to be authentic?”

Oftentimes, inauthenticity appears when (1) we want to fit in, belong, and be accepted, and (2) to do so, we sense or believe that we must be something other than what we are. Sometimes, this inauthenticity can be purposeful and malicious, designed to “get in” with a group in order to dupe them for selfish gain. Ordinarily, though, inauthenticity happens accidentally or even subconsciously as we respond to the pressures and cues we pick up from our environments.

For example, I’m not naturally very trendy or aware of what is “in”; my wiring as an ENTJ lends me to be more curious about the abstract and peculiar. Growing up, in order to fit in with the popular group at school, what would have happened if I’d forced myself to adapt? To become “cool” and aware of who and what got into the headlines? Changing myself to do so would have led me down a path of inauthenticity.

Does that mean I could never have been friends with the popular kids? Not at all! Even in groups that may be naturally different from you, there are ways to grow authenticity without losing connection. We’ll take a look at 6 steps to do so in Part 3 and Part 4 of this series.

Until then, spend some time thinking about the contexts in which you feel an urge to be inauthentic. Where do you sense you feel pressure to be something different than what you naturally are. ?

How to Be Authentic Part 1: Defining Authenticity

Have you ever met someone who you would describe as “fake” or “insincere”?  Maybe you know someone who claims they are “happy to help anytime!” - and yet they vanish mysteriously in a crisis or moment of need.

We often struggle to trust those who are not authentic, and we are often attracted to those who we sense are real.  This is part of what makes High-Performing Teams so powerful; each team member knows where the others stand.  And that trust creates a straight and even highway on which the team can drive towards results.

What is authenticity?

Personal authenticity is about being real.  Being genuine.  Typically someone is being authentic when they are coming from their heart and living by their core values.  Authentic people courageously face opposition in order to say and do what is right.  They take the road less traveled, not to be different, but because it is aligned with what they believe to be right.  As a result, their actions are consistently aligned with their words.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that being authentic means being the same person to everyone.  However, that is not true.  Relating authentically means:

1. finding a common point between the other person and ourselves

2. and then interacting to foster that commonality,

3. ultimately building trust in a manner that is genuine.

In other words, authentic people are not trying to make themselves look good for you.  In fact, you can sense that they are so authentic, they have made themselves vulnerable.  No need to put on a mask or to perform for the other person.  Authenticity involves no marketing, posturing, or deception whatsoever.

Because of this, when someone is being authentic, it rings true inside of you, or a big smile will come over your face as you hear them speak.  You feel like you have been given an anchor.  You know where they stand.  You know what they are about.

In Part 2, we’ll look at why we struggle with inauthenticity. Until then, what parts of authenticity do you most want to develop?

Using Inspiration and External Motivation to Develop a High Performance Team

High performing teams (HPT) are teams that get a lot done, produce superior results, and love working together to accomplish their goals.  They believe in each other and are confident that each person is supposed to be on the team.  They are not afraid to push each other to bring the best out in one another.  When you are part of a high performing team, you don’t want to leave it.  They are so much fun to be a part of.

HPT’s don’t usually start off as High Performing Teams. HPTs are developed.  In order to build one, leaders need to know how to draw out the best in each individual member, and leaders need to know how to get them to collaborate well.  But how do they do that?  It starts with understanding the role that inspiration and external motivation play in the life of a team.

Inspiration Is About Creating Meaning and Purpose

Inspiration is about drawing meaning and purpose from a cause that is greater than we are.  Once inspired, a team has a vast store of internal motivation to go through walls, if necessary, to accomplish the mission of the team.  Internal motivation will continue if it is fueled from time to time.

External Motivation Is Used For Stretch Goals

External motivation--such as titles, more money, a seat at certain tables--only works temporarily.  The energy that comes from these one-time events won’t last.  However, when coupled with inspiration, external motivation can be a powerful way to summon great stores of energy, positivity, and fun in order to accomplish a very exciting stretch goal.

How to Relentlessly Inspire Your Team:

Start with a Rallying Cry

Leaders need to focus on inspiration, which comes from being passionate about the team’s common purpose. Steve Jobs’ motto, “A thousand songs in your pocket,” rallied Apple engineers to create the iPod.  Your team needs to come up with their rallying cry.  

How?  Brainstorm with your team about what got them interested in joining the team.  Look at what your team is tasked to do.  What is the most important part? How does it impact you and others at large when the team accomplishes it?  Is there a way to combine all three: the why of their joining the team, the most important part of what the team is tasked to do, and the impact the team will have?  Can you then say it in such a way that an intelligent third grader could get excited about it?  For the intelligent third grader to get it, you will need to eliminate details.  Focus on what it is, how it affects them and how it impacts others.  Capture it in a catchy phrase (seven words or less) that can become the team mantra.  Purpose will be cemented in this step.

Fall in Love With What You Are Doing

Next, ask your team to think about times they were doing things they absolutely loved.  What led them to fall in love with what they were doing?  Get into the weeds here for a bit.  As people vibe off of what others are saying, ask the team to come up with principles that the team can recreate to help one another fall in love with the team and their goals.

Discover Each Team Member’s Core Value

Now move individually. To gain high levels of commitment, find out what each team member longs for. What do they really want?  What are their deepest desires?  Look for what each of those things represents to them. For example, many people would assume that if you were talking to a sales team, each member of the team would want more money.  But that isn’t necessarily true.  You need to ask the question, “If you had more money, what would that give you which you did not have before?”  Some of the answers may include:

• If I had money, then I would have Significance

• If I had money, then I would have Love

• If I had money, then I would have Acceptance

• If I had money, then I would have Value

• If I had money, then I would have Enjoyment

• If I had money, then I would have Security

Each of the six letters of the word SLAVES is a core value to that person.  We are often slaves of those core values, since most of our decisions are made in an effort to achieve one of them.  Which letter drives each member of your team?  

Help members to discern this by asking them:

1. What do their longings and desires represent to them?  (i.e. Money = Value) 

2. If threatened, what do they react most strongly to, or even overly strongly to?  What does that threat represent?

3. What do they think about when they don’t have to think of anything?  What does that represent?

If they can’t seem to decide between a couple of letters, ask if there is something even deeper that just one of those letters gives them.  For example if they say, “I have narrowed down the list to Acceptance and Security, and I am not sure which one it is.”  Then ask, “If you have Acceptance, what will you then have?  And how about with Security?  If you have Security, then what would you have?”  If they say, “If I have Acceptance, then I have Security, but I can’t think of anything deeper that I would have if I had Security,” then a good guess would be that Security is their deepest value.  Often when you narrow it down to two SLAVES values, one value feeds the second value, but not vice versa. Once identified, appropriately feed their value in healthy ways.

Leverage What Comes Natural to Each Team Member for the Good of All

Next, look at what comes naturally to each person.  Start with their personality type.  As an ENFJ, I love reading a room or an individual and helping them in ways that create a major impact. 

Don’t forget to dig into their story.  What have they naturally done well over time, even when they were a kid?  What do they always get high marks for on performance reviews?  

How can they leverage what they naturally do well--whether from their personality type or their story--for the good of all?  If they don’t see how their natural gifts are valuable, help them come up with a list, starting with some of the things you see.  Then help them by asking questions like, “How do you think this gift will help José?  How about Michelle?  What about the higher-ups in the company?  How about our clients?  Other stakeholders?”  Keep generating options and asking the team member to write them down on something like a Google Doc so they can have easy access to the list whenever they need to review it.  This will help elevate their Self-Regard.

How about others on your team?  What do they do naturally?  How can they leverage those strengths for the good of all?

Make the Work Fun!

Next, collaborate with each team member as to how the work can be more (1) fun, (2) interesting, or (3) challenging.  Different personality types view those categories differently, so make sure individual needs are met.  

Once you know what works for each individual, look to the group.  Are there things in common with other members that they could do as a group to increase fun, interest, and challenge for all?  Pepper those things in from time to time.

Use External Motivation for Stretch Goals

Use external motivation to go after a real stretch goal, remembering that it is only  temporary.  If you are doing well with the inspiration piece, you may not need to use external motivation.  Every once in a while, however, there will be a need to accomplish a short-term goal which will be a challenge to achieve, and this may be a great time for external motivation, to encourage the team to go all-out to get it.  For example, if you know your team really wants to go to ABC and you know XYZ will be a challenging goal say, “If the team accomplishes XYZ, we all get to go to ABC and celebrate!”  From time to time, help them recall why they wanted to go to ABC, to keep the motivation fresh and active.  

If you want to develop your team into a high performing team, focus on inspiration and use external motivation only for the stretch goals.  Inspiration lasts... External motivation adds a little gas to achieve a stretch goal.

Chew On This:

• What inspires you? In other words, what gives you meaning and purpose?

---

Ryan C. Bailey is President and CEO of an organizational effectiveness company.

Transitioning into a New Team and Culture as a CxO

Congratulations!  You are transitioning into a new company and a new role as a C-Suite executive.  For the first few days, you’re likely to be swamped in a flurry of welcomes and introductions, mandatory trainings, and IT set-up.

But after that, then comes the real action.  Time to get down to business.

...right?

Maybe not quite as much.  Companies are finding that their onboarding processes fail to set up their new CxOs for success.  Why?  Onboarding almost never addresses intangibles like culture, politics, and relationships.  If you aren’t given clear knowledge on these items, you may struggle to effectively manage your team, make successful decisions, or garner buy-in for your decisions.  For example:

• Will your firm stick to tradiition, despite the appearance of a promising but novel business idea? (This might be good to know before you pitch your promising but novel business.)

• Your firm might provide you with a company card, but what if the CFO looks down on you for flying first class instead of economy? (And what if the CFO is one of the first people you need to ask for clearance on a high-investment project? This specific scenario may not happen, but other similar faux pas happen frequently.)

• How do you address conflict?  The plaque on the wall says your firm values “open honesty”, but your team historically has addressed conflict passively.

• Who in the firm has real decision-making power?  The director?  Or the administrative assistant who stands behind the director?

Without knowing the answer to questions like these, new CxOs quickly find themselves tangled in an invisible web of red tape, maneuvering, and strategic and operational mishaps.  Nearly half of new CxOs fail within their first 18 months.  The reason?  “A poor grasp of how the organization works,” said 70% of respondents in a global survey of 500+ chief executives.  Another 65% said, “Cultural misfit.”  The third reason listed by 57% of respondents said, “Difficulty forging alliances with peers.”

The question then is: how do you successfully transition into a new team and a new culture as a CxO?  How do you manage, communicate to, and incentivize your new team?  How do you adjust to the micro-culture within your department?  How do you know what key stakeholders really value?  Here are 7 actionable tips to get you started.

1. Set relational goals.

   Frankly, the only way to learn about a company’s intangibles is to immerse yourself in them.  That means connecting with your firm’s people.  (If you’re an introvert, this also means going slowly and steadily and scheduling plenty of re-charge time for yourself.  If you’re an extrovert, this means evaluating who talks more in the meeting: you or them?  You can’t learn without listening!)

   You may be set up for some mandatory meetings within the first couple weeks.  But create your own goals for the first 90 days of employment.  While you yourself may not need the full 90 days to feel situated, others might.  Keep in mind those who are naturally reserved or shy.  And remember that you are about as high in the company as you can go.  Unfortunately, unless your company’s culture is truly unique, those around you will likely feel a power differential which can only be overcome by boosting familiarity, predictability, and mutual trust. 

   Organize in the way that works best for you:

   • Consider organizing by type of interaction: informal and formal, spontaneous and planned. For example, every week, plan to have:

     • 3 lunches

     • 10 hallway conversations

     • 1 team meeting

     • 3 one-on-one’s

   • Consider organizing by role. If you have an organization chart, use that to guide you. For example, every week, plan to have:

     • 5 meetings with direct reports

     • 2 meetings with other C-Suite executives

     • 2 meetings with Board members

     • 1 meeting with someone from HR, finance/accounting, IT, R&D, and Supply Chain each

   • Consider organizing by time. For example, plan to interact with people for:

     • 30 minutes each Monday

     • 1 hour each Tuesday

     • 3 hours each Wednesday

     • 30 minutes each Thursday

     • 3 hours each Friday

   Lastly, remember that you cannot only gravitate towards those who are like you or those who make you feel welcomed.  In order to effectively grasp your firm’s culture and politics, you need to talk especially to the marginalized, underrepresented, and introverted to see their view of the company as well.  Otherwise, you may find yourself in an unhelpful echo-chamber.

2. Plan your meeting content.

   What do you actually discuss in meetings?  Asking questions around someone’s family and recreations is a great place to start for casual conversations.  Learning about someone’s life - both outside of work and before you met them - helps build trusting relationships authentically.

   You may also want to target your conversations for your transition.  Consider these questions:

   With your direct reports:

   • “Where did you work before here?  How well did you like those jobs and companies?  What did you like and dislike about them?  What led you to work here?”

   • “What are your career aspirations?  Why do you come to work every day?”

   • “Describe for me the ideal manager.”  (Then incorporate what you hear into your leadership!  You should ask repeatedly and specifically for constructive feedback, giving spaces to hash out awkwardness and miscommunications.  But many employees, especially direct reports, will not initially feel comfortable enough to respond honestly.  Use this question for feedback that won’t put your direct reports on the spot.)

   • “What kind of support do you need?  How can I help you succeed?”

   • “Can you describe for me your personality?  How would friends and family describe your personality?”

   • “What is ‘normal protocol’ in the company?  Are there specific ‘correct procedures’ that need to be followed?  What is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

   With other CxOs and Board members:

   • “How will success in my new role be defined?  How will you know when I’ve adjusted?”

   • “What is most needed of me in the first quarter, the first year, and the first 5 years?”

   • “Are there other key stakeholders who may not be obvious?  If so, who?”

   • “What information do I need from you to be able to do the best job I can?”

   • “Here is what kind of behavior on the board’s part that would best enable me to have a trusting relationship at board meetings, between us, and in one-on-one conversations.”

3. Create an organization plan.

   Before you set off on the above, decide how you are going to track and organize the sudden influx of information.  Take a look at the following questions and have an answer prepared for each of them.

   • How will you track to-do’s?

   • How will you prioritize them?

   • How will you track your meetings?

     • Which meetings have you already had?

     • Which ones do you still need to have?

     • How will you know the agenda of each meeting?

     • How will you track the information you receive in each meeting?

   • How will you remember everyone’s names the first time and connect key information about them to them?

4. Work with a Coach.

   One of the greatest obstacles new C-Suite executives face is their own eagerness.  After all, you were hired for a reason.  In the selection process, you likely asked insightful questions and challenged inefficiencies.  Now you’re ready to get your hands dirty.

   But the intangibles take time.  No one can adequately describe the extent of their company’s culture in a day.  No one can build high-performing teams in a week.  As discussed earlier, taking drastic action before you know your firm’s intangibles can easily result in failure.

   You need patience, but you also need to prove that you can take action and make progress on your goals.  A good coach will help you nail that balance.

   Other benefits?  A coach will be key to helping you apply your individual goals to your new role.  A coach will also help you navigate any tricky politics you may immediately encounter.  And a coach can help level up your team.

5. Work alongside your predecessor.

   Tie up any loose strings with your predecessor and gain some insightful info at the same time.  Questions to ask include:

   • “What worked well?  What worked poorly?”

   • “What were you working on before I came?  How will those tasks be completed?  Will we be viewed as true partners by the Board?  Will we collaborate?  Will the tasks be dropped?”

   • “What is the company accustomed to experiencing from you?”  (If possible, take a look at their personality.)

   • “Who did you normally talk to for issues with [fill-in-the-blank]?”

   • “What is ‘normal protocol’ in the company?  Are there specific ‘correct procedures’ that need to be followed?  What is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

   You may not be able to fully work alongside your predecessor, but a coffee or lunch is still extremely valuable.  If you unfortunately cannot contact your predecessor at all, a mentor or sponsor is your next best bet.

6. Work with a mentor or sponsor.

   Some companies have begun to provide mentors or sponsors to help you learn the intangibles.  If you were not given one, ask your hiring team to point you to a long-standing employee, someone who can and is eager to help you understand the answers to any of your questions.  (Make sure to thank your mentor or sponsor properly!)

7. Talk to the CHRO.

   The CHRO (assuming that is not you) will be one of your greatest assets in transitioning successfully.  (If you are the CHRO, talk to the team that hired you.)  Ask your CHRO questions like:

   • “What attributes do I possess that resulted in me being selected for this new role?”

   • “What attributes do I still need to develop or enhance?”

   • “Do you have a clear job description that has buy-in from key stakeholders?”  Get as much clarity on areas of responsibility, authority, and decision rights as possible.

   • “Can I have...

     • Key information (mission, values, history)

     • Financial information

     • An organization chart and contacts list

     • A list of key acronyms

     • The resumes of my direct reports?”

   • “What is ‘normal protocol’ in the company?  Are there specific ‘correct procedures’ that need to be followed?  What is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’?”

Starting a new job anywhere is exciting! I hope these tips help you succeed as a new CxO. If you have any further questions, please feel free to reach out at megan@ryancbailey.com. Always happy to help.

---

Megan Koh is a Career Development Coach, with over 7 years of experience in helping others find and achieve their dream jobs.  She lives south of Atlanta and is married to her sweetheart Danny.

How Do I Prepare for a Coaching Session?

Embarking on a coaching engagement can be both a liberating and intimidating thing. It gives us the safety to process difficult interactions and freedom to pursue ideas; it also can be one of those things that our pesky persistent human nature tells us we “need to do right.” And while there is no exact right or wrong way to go about a session or entire engagement, there are a few things you can do in preparation of a coaching session to ensure you get the most out of your time with your coach.

1. Prepare a topic (or topics) that you’d like to work through that day.

   Identifying a few things you might want to address with your coach before the session begins can help you get focused during the actual session faster. Spending less time trying to figure out what you want to talk about leaves more time for insights, which ultimately result in development. (See here for a list of what to talk about during a coaching session.)

2. Before you walk in the door, take note of how you are feeling.

   Are you feeling restless? Relieved? Overwhelmed? Joyful? Empty? Frustrated? While feelings are not facts, they are always data. Positive or negative, sharing how you are feeling with your coach gives both of you the opportunity to explore where those feelings might come from and how they might be working into your life and work currently. Identifying your feeling and its origins is the first step to foreseeing and overcoming barriers that might arise.

3. Remind yourself that you may feel challenged.

   The blessing and burden of participating in a coaching engagement is that while you will be validated, you will also be challenged. Good coaches will not hold back in their observations of you – both in the session itself and what they are hearing through a story you’re telling – because they know those observations are crucial to your development. Growth is a hard journey because it requires us to confront the parts of ourselves we are uncomfortable with, but it is because of our courageous confrontations that we are able to see ourselves more clearly and thus behave in a way that is more aligned with who we desire to be.

4. Prepare yourself at a heart level to explore any insights that arrive.

   The narrative we create of ourselves, even in the workplace, is consistently validated through our experiences in the world – whether or not they are true. Our human tendency towards confirmation bias means that we often don’t see the full picture of what is happening; we only see the pieces that make sense to us based on our story. Coaching sessions have the magical ability to bring insight into the story we tell ourselves about ourselves in ways that validate and well as ways that challenge. The willingness to explore all those areas deeper will only serve you well as you continue to pursue your goals.

5. Be gentle with yourself when it comes to perceived progress.

   Other people often see us better than ourselves, especially when that other person is someone whose job it is to help you see yourself more clearly. Because we spend all day with ourselves, it can often feel like we are stuck or not making any progress. Be gentle with yourself when you feel this way, and speak up to your coach if this is the feeling you are experiencing. Your coach may be able to help you identify areas in which you are growing without you noticing, or you can draft a different plan forward together. 

Coaching sessions, whether you are a people leader or not, are intended to help people identify their strengths, set goals, address the barriers to those goals, and grow to the next level. By taking just a few minutes to prepare your brain and your heart for an upcoming session, you expedite the amount of time it takes to get to the focus during the session and give yourself the advantage of gaining more insights during the hour with your coach. In this way, you maximize your growth opportunities over the course of the engagement and will realize a greater impact in your life overall.

Chew on this:

• How has past preparation helped you get further in an area of your life?

• How can you better prepare for your development in the future?

What to Talk About During a Coaching Session

One of the first questions I usually get from a prospective client or somebody interested in coaching but not quite ready to take the leap yet is, “What would I even talk about?” While the question is a legitimate one, it is typically rooted in that familiar hesitant reaction we have when confronted with the anticipated opportunity to be vulnerable. And thus the simple answer addressing what to talk about during a coaching session turns out to be a little more involved than just content.

The short answer to what to talk about during a coaching session is: anything and everything. Coaching serves a variety of purposes, including (but not limited to) brainstorming, processing, problem solving, self-examination, personal development, gap analysis, skills assessment, and leadership development. Coaching can also help leaders work through and identify where their team is performing well and where they could be doing better.

Examples of good topics to prepare and bring up during a coaching session are:

• An area in which you want to grow

• A strategic initiative that feels incomplete for reasons you can’t quite pinpoint

• A team member that you may be struggling with

• A big win that you’d like to celebrate and process

• A problem you want to think through

• An event or situation that hasn’t been sitting well with you

• A direct report who is not performing to the level you’d hoped

• An idea you’d like to explore

• A relationship you would like to improve

• A circumstance or environment you are unsure about navigating

• A pattern you’ve noticed and would like to examine

• Ways your team is doing well

• Areas in which you’d like your team to develop

• The promotion you’re hoping to get

• The promotion you’re upset you didn’t get

• Question(s) you want addressed from a previous session or assessment result

The more important thing to consider when it comes to a coaching session is not the content itself, but the way you talk about the content. Your general attitude and openness during a session will predict how successful the outcome is, even if the outcomes ends up being one that takes you by surprise. Our personal ability to either recognize how we are feeling and reacting in the moment coupled with our willingness to accept observations made by a coach (whether positive or critical) will be the key to capitalizing on our personal and professional growth.

Your coach will hear things and find meaning and ask questions, and while a good coach will skillfully ask good questions to get you thinking more broadly, it is equally important that you be open to receiving not only these questions but the challenging thinking that may come with them. We gain significant insights that can lead to breakthrough developments when we are willing to challenge ourselves and our own thinking to entertain the idea that there might be a bigger world out there.

Chew on this:

• What did you talk about the last time you had a breakthrough?

• What attitude do you generally have when approached with challenging thinking?

• In what areas can a coach help you grow?