How to Recover from Major Setbacks, Part 2

Last week, we began the discussion on how to recover from major career setbacks. In some capacity, we each have been impacted by these setbacks. But we often stay stuck in bitterness, shame or disappointment without fully recovering from it. We explored 5 ways to recover from setbacks last week, and today we are going to continue the conversation with 5 more: 6. What Good Can Come From How It Actually Played Out.

Turn to what actually happened. Think through it. What good could come from what actually happened?  Yes you can borrow from number five above (see previous post).

Once again, go for a big long list till you feel hope.

7. How Can You Win From Here?

Now that you are in a better place having completed step 6, it is time to capture what you learned and to create a plan to help fix the setback and continue your growth.

You want to design a plan around how you can win from here. Typically that would include making amends and protecting the future from a repeat of the current mistakes.

8. What Base Hit Can You Make To Start Moving In The Right Direction?

Don't even try to go for hitting a home run right away.  You will build confidence, repair your view of yourself, and encourage others by making consistent base hits.

Daily consistency is key here.

Small daily steps motivate more than the home run at this stage.

9. Forgive Self.

If you have not fully recovered from a setback, then you have not fully forgiven yourself.  You may have forgiven yourself for part of what happened, but not all of it.

In order to forgive someone fully, including yourself, your first step is to make a list of the obvious things you need to forgive, but then you also need to make a list of the not-so-obvious things as well.

For example, say you lost your cool in a meeting with your direct report. You will need to forgive yourself for the outburst, but there may be a need to forgive yourself for something deeper, like a belief that you have created a fear in your direct report that they will never recover from.

You need to forgive yourself for all of it, whether it is true or not.  (Stay tuned for a blog post on how to forgive yourself.)

10. You Are Not Your Setback.

Too many times when we have a setback we start seeing ourselves through the setback. We seem to forget all of the good that is in us, and we just focus on the bad.

A way not to define yourself according to your setbacks is to remind yourself of your core values.  Where does your worth come from? 

Is the source of your worth greater than the nature of your setback?  If not, from what can you derive self-worth that will be greater than your setback?

It would be a crime to waste time by not recovering from a setback.

You have so much to offer the rest of us.

We need all of us working together with the best of what we have.  Don’t let yourself be robbed of a quality life because of a setback.

Life is way too short to get stuck.

Chew On This:

• What would life be like if you fully overcame your setbacks?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

MBTI Bite: 3 Tips for Working With Intuitives (N's on Myers-Briggs)

You know us iNtuitives.... We are your big picture, forward-looking, imaginative members of the work team.  When a detail-oriented person (S on Myers-Briggs) is going through the facts of a situation, the N is disinterested and unimpressed. We will be among the first to pick up our phones to check for texts and emails. No, we don’t have ADD.  It is just that as we iNtuitives hear the facts, we search for the meaning behind them rather than focus on the facts themselves.  Then, when as little as 30% or so of the facts are out, we will see a pattern and “lock and load” on it.  

Intuitives are often described as theorists or dreamers.  We live in the future.  We love innovation and are drawn towards shiny new things (well, maybe we do have ADD.... just kidding).  

We also like fuzzy facts and guessing the meaning behind those fuzzy facts.  

You can spot us by the metaphors we use (see “lock and load” above).

Since iNtuitives make up only 27% of the population (vs. 73% for their opposite Sensor types), it would be easy to underutilize the gifts that iNtuitives bring to a meeting or project.

Here are three tips that can help you work more effectively with iNtuitives:

1. Ask them what possibilities or alternatives they see for resolving a problem.

In many meetings, alternatives are not discussed.  Those who have the bigger titles or are the most credible in the room tend to state their opinion, and the rest of the team agrees.

If you know you have a couple of iNtuitives in the meeting, why not ask them what possibilities and alternatives they might see before the big cheese in the room gives his opinion? This will broaden the discussion and help the team come to better decisions.

2. Realize that their instincts are reliable.

INtuitives get a hunch about things, and they are usually more right than not.  They may not be perfect, but their gut instinct should be taken seriously.  

Since iNtuitives live in the future, they will often describe future events as if they are happening in the present.  Don’t be thrown off by this.  They can just “see” it happening a certain way, and this gift can provide valuable insight for decision making.

This “future sight” also means that iNtuitives can often spot a trend before the data emerges to support it.  

3. If you need to give a lot of details in a meeting....

        3a. Tie in the facts you are relating with what the iNtuitives are passionate about. 

In past meetings, you may have sensed that your iNtuitives start to get restless if the presentation is heavy with facts and details.  You need to let them know how these facts relate to something they are passionate about.  This will increase their staying power.

        3b. Ask them to spot any patterns they see.

Another way to keep them engaged is to ask them to jot down what patterns they see amongst all the facts.  If they can write them down as you (or the presenter) are talking, that will keep them interested and engaged.  

        3c. Ask them to spot any possibilities or future trends.

This is similar to 3b above.  If they are alert for possibilities or future trends among the facts they are hearing, it will be easier for them to pay attention.  Once again, ask them to write down their observations for discussion later.

Although iNtuitives make up only 27% of the population, we have gifts that can help Sensors shine.  The idea is to give iNtuitives space to do something different from what is typically done.  Let them discuss the trends, possibilities, alternative solutions, and future-ramifications of a situation. Then, if you are a Sensor, add these insights to your data to see if you come up with a better solution.

Chew On This:

• How will you run your meetings differently, to incorporate the gifts of iNtuitives?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.

Identifying Your Core Beliefs

Have you ever seen a co-worker implode?  That is, really blow up their life?

How about the opposite?  Have you ever seen a co-worker push through difficulties and succeed in unexpected ways?

If you knew what led either to happen, you would know what drives them, and ultimately, you would discover what is at their very core.

How about yourself?  Do you know what led to your biggest failures and your biggest successes in the workplace and in life?

Although beliefs can be found at different levels, deep ones are called core beliefs.  There are very few of those--maybe just one or two--but they are responsible for most of the decisions you make.  You are just not aware of them because they are buried deep in the heart. Discovering our core beliefs can help us understand why we feel and behave the way that we do. It can also help us see our staff in a different light, recognizing that their behaviors are rooted in a deeper core belief that impacts the way they feel and behave, too.

How do you discover your core belief?  

You have to dive into a couple of areas:

• Family-of-origin

If we got together the people you were raised with and asked a few questions, you will discover that there are belief themes that run through the family - even if each family member is very different.

How do you discover these?  Ask yourself what your family is about.  What matters most to them?  If they are threatened, do they jump into a state of alarm?  Let’s say a family seems to care a lot about what people think of them.  And let’s say we see some inordinately strong behaviors when their image is threatened. The next thing you want to ask yourself is, “What does their image represent to them?”  That’s where the belief is.  So it could be that they believe that if they look good to others then they will have:

•     Security
•     Love
•     Acceptance
•     Value
•     Enjoyment
•     Significance

• Traumas/Milestones

The more emotionally intense a situation is, the more it impacts our beliefs.  When we go through an emotional trauma, we are so overwhelmed by the emotions running through our bodies that our brain can’t process it quickly enough.  While our brain may numb us out, or even in some cases knock us out, or form memory blocks, our heart seems to scream, “I will never face that pain again!”

The heart then sets up new “protective” beliefs to prevent us from getting into a scenario where we can face that kind of hurt again.  You can spot these protective beliefs because they often seem like an over-reaction.

For example, say a staff member is struggling with taking initiative on a project. If he has had experiences in the past where he has been rejected, shot down, or criticized for his assertiveness, his defense mechanism may be to passively accept others' suggestions. His “protective” belief looks like, “If I agree with others’ opinions, I will be accepted” and “If I take initiative, my team members will reject me.”

Belief changes are not always negative. I have seen others develop new beliefs when they push hard to accomplish a goal, and succeed. The “confidence” that results can be traced to a new belief that came through the experience of pushing themselves.

Once you have listed all the beliefs that you sense derive from your family, and the traumas/milestones in your experience,  then see if there is a belief that binds them all (cue the Lord of the Rings).  That could be the core belief.

Ultimately, recognizing our own core beliefs helps us better understand the way we operate in our workplace. As we explore the root of our core beliefs, we can identify areas where we primarily operate out of maladaptive beliefs. Is our need for approval rooted in a belief that we are never good enough? Is our superior attitude towards coworkers rooted in a belief that without power, we are worthless?

Not only does processing our beliefs help us better understand ourselves, it helps us better understand our staff, too. Recognizing that the behaviors we see are rooted in core beliefs that we cannot see helps us approach staff with grace and understanding. In the next blog, we will talk about how to deal with these core beliefs.

Chew On This:

• If you wrote out your story and included your family of origin and traumas/milestones that you experienced, what would be the belief themes that come up for you?

• How does becoming aware of your beliefs affect the way you view yourself and others in the workplace?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams. *This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.

MBTI Bite: Three Tips For Working With Extroverts (E’s in Myers-Briggs)

We extroverts vary greatly.  We can be loud, high energy, interrupt like crazy, and when we speak, we can start in one direction and, by the end of the paragraph, be talking in almost the opposite direction.

While many of the traits we possess are viewed as positives for a work environment, we need to understand that our introverted counterparts may, at times, find us overwhelming.

If you are an introvert, here are three tips that can help you work better with extroverts:

1. Let them verbally process.

I wish I could be as succinct as some of my introverted friends.  The reality is that as an extrovert, I process while speaking.  It is as I hear the words come out of my mouth that I can evaluate, and even change my mind on the fly.  On the other hand, most introverts mean what they say.

When working with an extrovert, pay more attention to their conclusion than to what they were saying initially. The conclusion is where they’ve landed.

You can help them to process verbally by--every once in awhile--repeating or paraphrasing what you heard them say.  This often helps them to get clear.

Just remember that you will get your best ideas from your extroverts if you encourage the verbal processing, and give them space to discuss information and ideas before committing to a plan.

As implied, extroverts excel in group work.  They need interaction with others.  Provide more of that for them, and they will shine.

2. Give non-verbal cues.

Extroverts do respond to non-verbal cues, so be aware of your body language when interacting with an extrovert.  For example, you can encourage an extrovert just by leaning in, using positive tones of voice, or smiling more.

3. Give public praise.

Studies show that brains of extroverts are wired differently than introverts.  We require more to get stimulated, and we look for more external motivational and reward cues than introverts do.

On the whole, save the criticism for one-on-one times, as negative feedback can often deflate extroverts.  But if you praise them for what they do right, you will see them come alive, increase productivity and be more successful.  This is especially true if the praise is given in front of co-workers.

Chew On This:

• What will you do to help the extroverts on your team succeed?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

A Tip to Boost Empathy

Empathy is a critical component in developing high-performing teams and organizational culture that others want to work in.

Empathy–the ability to understand and share the feelings of another is a skill.  Some personality types are gifted with strong degrees of empathy (i.e. ENFJ, INFJ, ENFP, INFP), and others are gifted in different areas.

If you struggle to be empathetic, here is a tip that has helped my clients to super-charge their ability to empathize.  According to the Discrete Emotion Theory, there are 6 basic emotions:

• Anger
• Disgust
• Fear
• Happiness
• Sadness
• Surprise

Tell yourself stories of times when you felt each of these emotions.  Since these six exist in varying degrees, it may be easier for you to pick times when you felt these emotions more intensely.  As you tell yourself the story you should sense yourself feeling that particular emotion in the present.  If you are not then you are not giving yourself enough details of that story.  So really get into it.

Practice telling yourself those stories until you can feel those emotions in the present.  Let yourself get a little freaked out by how much you can influence your own emotions in this way.  The more you practice, the faster you can experience the emotion in the present.

Now, when a colleague, direct report, etc. is talking to you, identify what the emotion is that they are feeling.  You can do that by listening to what emotive terms they use (i.e. "I felt hurt;" "I was enraged;" "I was thrilled;" etc.).  You can also test it by saying something like, “It sounds like you were angry.  Am I off?”  The “Am I off?” is important because it shows you want to understand them.  If you are off, they are less likely to be offended or to feel like you don’t value them.

When you hear the emotive term, silently start to tell yourself a story of when you felt what the other felt.  If you’ve practiced, you will feel the emotion they are expressing pretty quickly.  Because the other person senses that you feel what they feel their connection to you will grow.

They will feel like you genuinely get them.

Chew On This: Think of a time when you were absolutely cracking up with laughter.  Describe the story until you are laughing in the present.

If you have any questions feel free to email me at  ryan@ryancbailey.com or call (404) 421-8120.

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

Grit: An Indicator of Success?

Repeatedly in research, the same question is being presented: Is intelligence the determinant of achievement and success?

The idea was first introduced over a century ago by a man named William James, who asked two questions:

“What are the types of human abilities and, second by what diverse means do individuals unleash these abilities?”

From these questions, the concept of intellect and ways of measuring it were derived. People wanted to know what makes someone smart and how you could distinguish those individuals from others. Since then, IQ has been studied extensively because it is measurable and familiar.

However, if IQ is the determinant of success, then how do individuals of similar IQ vary so widely in their achievement? Do traditionally non-cognitive attributes, such as creativity, motivation, leadership, perseverance and passion, play no role in success?

IQ is an Incomplete Measure of Success

Research demonstrates that understanding IQ is only touching the surface of human intellect and our capabilities for achievement.

The concept of intellect needs to be broadened.

There is a need for the inclusion of soft skills as attributes of intellect just as traditional cognitive processes are. When these characteristics become an addition to the pre-existing understanding of intellect, then a score on a test is not the only determining factor of future success and outcomes. There are far too many forms of intelligence and talent to be limited to one measure of capability.

In settings of which there are many highly distinguished and set apart individuals (such as medicine, law, investing and academia), individuals were asked what makes someone stand out. Frequently, the answers had little to do with IQ.

Grit: What is it and what does it have to do with success?

Distinguished individuals stood out in their field due to what researchers calls “grit”. Grit is defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus in progress” (Duckworth, 2007).

What sets successful people apart is not how smart they are, but rather their innate traits that make them hard workers and over-comers of obstacles.

Another study surveyed 140 eighth grade students to examine just one aspect of grit: self-discipline. These findings showed intelligence alone does not determine success. The study produced significant data showing self-discipline is a substantial predictor of academic performance, more so than IQ.

Intellectual factors (including those discussed above like soft skills) as well as non-intellectual factors (such as self-discipline or grit) have to work together to produce outcomes. IQ alone is not enough.

Think of your most successful co-worker or employee. What sets them apart from the rest? Is it their intellect? Or are there other factors contributing to their achievements? We’d love to hear your feedback!

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

IQ vs. EQ: The Intelligence Battle

EQ vs IQ

For many years, IQ has been praised as a determining factor of success. More intelligent people have a higher capacity for innovation and efficiency. One might assume that more intelligent individuals would also be more successful. However, recent research found otherwise. Dr. Travis Bradberry found that people with average IQ's outperform those with the highest IQ's 70% of the time. What could this mean? If IQ is not the indicator of success, then what is?

One could argue the answer is emotional intelligence (EQ). If book smarts aren’t getting you there, then maybe the ticket is a little more people skills. Dr. Bradberry’s research demonstrated emotional intelligence as the strongest predictor of performance, contributing a full 58% of success in all types of jobs. Am I arguing that IQ is irrelevant? Absolutely not. A combination of IQ and EQ is a great formula for success. Intelligence of all forms is necessary to our world, it’s function and it’s growth. Which is why a well-rounded intelligence is needed- so that we can be holistically effective.

Now you may be asking, what exactly is emotional intelligence? It’s a difficult question to answer, because it is one of the more abstract aspects of our behavior. It is complex and somewhat intangible. We can start by describing some of the skills that emotional intelligence is comprised of.

• Leadership

• Social Skills

• Customer Service

• Time Management

• Empathy

• Management

• Presenting and Communications Skills

• Relationships

• Decision Making

These skills are all similar in that they are not subjects taught in school. They are more practical than they are academic. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to understand and work well with people. These talents are critical to business and leadership.

The good news is that you can develop the areas where you are weak. It’s true that emotional intelligence comes more naturally to some than others, but just like any other skill they can be learned. Practice makes perfect right? The same is true for emotional intelligence. There are actually synapses in your brain that connect when you exercise a skill. Rehearse it enough, and it becomes second nature!

What skill do you need to work on? How could it impact your leadership and your business?