I sent part one of this blog to a number of people who were just a few weeks away from sharing a personal event with their larger team as a way to help the team get to know them and increase the team’s trust in them. The feedback from that first blog has overall been positive, and a couple of key requests came through that I would love to address in this blog.
First, some wanted to know how they can calm their nerves when sharing events from their stories. Many times people become nervous because they inadvertently make it their goal to be a scintillating storyteller. They are afraid of not dazzling their team, of being a dud. But that is not the goal. The goal is simply to let the team know you better. That’s it. Nothing more.
Second, some requested that I provide a template of one of my events to help them get better at sharing their own. They hoped to pull out principles to help them craft their own stories. So I am happy to provide that. In my life, I have experienced a number of made-for-tv stories. Some were great highs, and others were incredibly tragic. Some of our clients can relate to the made-for-tv stories since they’ve had them too, but most cannot. So I will share one event which everyone can relate to, an event critical to the role I now have.
How I Would Share My Story:
Hi everyone! I am going to share a critical event that helped me get to the role I have today. First some background...
[The Background]
Both of my parents grew up in poverty. My dad’s parents were professors at North Carolina A&T and were influential in the Civil Rights movement. They have a building named after them. Yet they grew up poor, and my dad experienced terrible trauma as a result of his poverty. If you knew what it was, you would agree.
My mother grew up in the Dominican Republic. After a six month wait, her father (my grandfather) got a visa to come to the United States. Then he had to wait another six months to get visas for his wife, my mom, and his five other children before moving to Harlem in upper Manhattan. While going to high school, my mother and her younger brother worked very hard to help the family survive.
My parents met and married. Two years later they had me, but they separated when I was two weeks old and were divorced by the time I was two. Each of them went on to be extremely successful surgeons. True rags to riches stories.
As it turned out, I was the little kid who knew everyone’s secrets. Two friends would be arguing, and each one would confide in me without the other one knowing because I was always tight-lipped. As I grew up, I loved spending time on the phone talking to friends, especially about their problems.
In NYC public schools if you left class after lunch you were not marked down for being absent. During third grade, 7th period was Gym and 8th period was Math. I was a gifted athlete and from an early age my mother worked on my math skills so math came super easy to me.
Early before school, when no one was looking, my Grandfather would lean over the breakfast table and whisper, “Ryan, you are going to get very sick today.” Excitedly I would run back to my bedroom and stuff my baseball mitt on the bottom of my book bag.
Just as 6th period was coming to a close there would come a loud knock on the classroom door, startling the entire class and my teacher. But before my teacher could say, “Come in,” my grandfather would barge into the room, point to me in the back, and say in a loud voice, “Ryan’s sick. Come on Ryan, you’re sick. Ryan’s sick.”
From there we would go see home New York Yankees games.
He pulled this stunt 33 times in third grade, and I loved it! (For any who may be concerned, I still got an A in gym and in math :-)
I didn’t tell anyone about this until 10 years after he died. When I told my mother, she burst out laughing and asked, “Is that why everyone thought you had cancer?”
Now then I went to the second largest high school in the country, Brooklyn Tech. There were so many students in my graduating class that I swear I never saw half of them until the day we got our diplomas. But somehow my name got around as the guy you talk to if you have girlfriend/boyfriend problems or parent issues.
In my sophomore year, I fell in love with Larry Crabb’s books. I wanted to become just like him: a therapist and author. That freaked my mother out because “therapists don’t make money.” She feared that I would return to the poverty that she worked so hard to get us out of. She started pushing me towards business. At the same time, my dad was subtly encouraging me to make money as well.
So being the dutiful firstborn son, that summer I got a job working for a stockbroker at Lehman Brothers. I made so much money that I was hooked. I then went to NYU’s Stern School of Business and worked in the business world. I did well, but it wasn’t me. I wanted to go deeper into people’s lives and work on heart-level changes.
When 9/11 hit, I knew that I needed to do what I was meant to do. I did not know what coaching was. Had I known, I probably would have headed in that direction. Instead, since I wanted to work at a heart level, and I’d seen some of the business people I worked with blow up their lives because of personal issues, I thought I should pursue counseling. So I earned a Masters in Counseling and opened a private practice where most of my clients were business leaders.
After a few years into the practice, my wife said, “It’s a shame you have this expensive degree from NYU and you are not using it for anything other than your practice.” I had to admit that as much as I loved the deeper work I was doing, I missed the numbers, the ideas, and brainstorming with clients about how to achieve something that had impact. For sure, there was a great personal impact in the counseling realm, but I missed the business impact.
[The Actual Event]
Then my wife found an article on coaching. She printed it off for me and said “Ryan! Ryan! Look, this is you! This is really you.” I saw the word coaching on the top and dismissed the article without ever reading it. At that time, counselors were very dismissive of coaching, as if to ask, “Who do these coaches think they are, charging more than we do and without our degrees?”
Still my wife persisted, and I kept finding ways to avoid reading it. Eventually, early one morning when she was cooking breakfast, she put the breakfast plate down in front of me with the article right on top of the eggs. The first paragraph caught my eye, and I started reading.
As I read I got up, completely transfixed, and moved into the living room where my laptop was. I did a search to find a coach who could mentor me. I sent out a couple of emails, and one of them called me immediately. We had a fantastic conversation where he explained how he worked and where I could get trained as a coach.
I immediately enrolled in a coach training school and started reaching out to old business leader clients whom I hadn’t met with for years. I explained that I was learning how to do this coaching thing and asked if they would be interested in working together. A number of them said yes.
[Relate That Event to The Impact It’s Had On The Present]
Since that point, the coaching practice has really taken off. Some clients who are business travelers have let others in different countries know about me, so I currently have clients on six continents. (I am still waiting on that client from Antarctica to complete the sweep.)
Since I worked as a consultant for a few years, and I love team coaching and facilitating workshops, my practice has become an organizational effectiveness company.
I absolutely love what I do. I even do it when I am sick. I just ask the clients who like to come to my office if they are willing to meet over the phone or webcam, and I keep going.
(Now that the story is over, I turn to the team and say...)
Okay, that’s me. What have you learned about me from this part of my story?
[Principles For Sharing Your Story]
First, remember the goal is not to be a dazzling story-teller. The goal is for the team to get to know you.
Just Be You. Don’t Ever Perform.
That leads to the second principle: for them to get to know you, just be you. Don’t perform. Don’t amp it up. As an ENFJ with Dominican roots, I am going to bring connection and energy to my story. That’s me. If you heard me tell my story, you might be tempted to do yours the same way. But we would not get to know you that way. Just be you as you are. It will be just as effective. Having said that, there are a few more principles that will help us get to know you. Just apply these principles in a style that is genuinely you.
Share The Key Background Pieces
Thirdly, since you are going to be sharing a critical event of your life, it is important to give some background to the event. What led up to it? Look for the key background pieces to your critical event. What were they?
My story above started with my parents and their struggle to get out of poverty. Then came the realization that people found it super easy to talk to me, and I loved that. Since my parents feared that I was going to return to the poverty they left, they pushed me towards making money in business. But eventually, I needed to be me and thanks to my wife’s persistence, I found that what was most me was working with leaders and their teams at a heart level, for the sake of professional and personal impact.
Don’t Just Share the Facts But What You Felt About the Facts
Fourthly, in order for us to get to know you as you share the facts of your story, sprinkle it with some emotive terms or use your tone of voice to convey the emotions you experienced. Emotive terms can be words like excited, freaked, angry, happy, etc. You could also share about things you loved or hated since that also carries an emotional charge.
People get you when you accompany your facts with what you felt about the facts. You don’t have to overdo. Just remember to mix facts with emotions at key points in your story.
Change The Pace Of Your Story By Giving A Sense Of Movement
Fifth, use words that give a sense of movement in your story. Moreover, alter your tone of voice and body language to match. For example, in my story, when I said, “My mother pushed me into business,” I could totally see myself emphasizing the word pushed by using my hands to make a movement like I was pushing someone. This gives a visual to help you paint the story.
For the same reason, vary the pace of your story. Sometimes speak faster and at other times more slowly. Don’t be unnatural with this. Just remember to slow it down around the critical parts of the story.
Paint The Picture Of The Key Parts of Your Story
That leads to our sixth principle: when sharing key parts of your story, involve the audience by giving them more detail then. So in my story above, when I described my grandfather coming to my classroom, I gave more details and used some emotive words like jolted, and if I had been in front of you, I would use body language to convey that jolt in order to help you picture that scene. Painting the picture helps people to see it in their minds, which helps them get to know you more.
When Possible, Vary The Emotions. If Not Possible, Then Go Deep Into the One You Are Conveying
Seventh, when possible vary the emotions in the story so people experience more of a range. That range helps to foster connections. In my story, I shared the word trauma when speaking of my dad. Most people, when they hear how I say it, will tend to feel pain or hurt. And when I talk about how much I love what I do, my tone of voice can lead them to feel a pull towards joy and vigor. I like to make people laugh, so if that’s you too, then sometimes use humor. The mix of emotions helps people to feel connected. Remember, don’t be manipulative and don’t try to create this. Just be you. If the story has a range of emotions, then emphasize those points; if it doesn’t, then that’s ok. Stick to the one emotion and convey it well. Expressing that one emotion well can also lead to a strong connection, which then leads to them “getting” you more.
When Sharing the Critical Event, Give Many More Details Than You Have Before
Eighth, when sharing the critical event itself, give more details for that part of the story than for any other part. Use more emotive terms, and match your tone accordingly. Make more use of words that convey movement. This helps people to get into the story more and by consequence get to know you.
After Describing the Critical Event, Bring The Story into The Present
Lastly, bring the story to a conclusion by bringing it into the present. How did that critical event impact you? What’s happened since then?
Part of the conclusion includes the emotion or state of being you want them to feel as you close. In my case, I talked about loving what I do because I wanted to leave you with a feeling of passion. Passion is one of our four company values. If you know me, you will know that I love being passionate and encouraging my clients to find their passions and live from them. So leaving you with something that fosters passion would be another way I could help you get me.
Don’t Forget To Get Feedback
As a final note, when sharing your story in this format it is helpful to get feedback. The feedback will show you how much they get you. It will also help you to describe this event better next time… and there is always a next time. New people will join your team or you will be interacting with different stakeholders where that story will come in handy.
Earning your team’s trust is key to helping all of you become what is classically known as a high performing team. You can build trust with your team one story at a time. Storytelling isn’t the only thing you need to do to build trust, but it is certainly key. Practice storytelling not just with your teams but with those you care for - the people who will help you to not perform, but to just be with those who are listening.
Chew On This:
What would help you to remember that the goal of sharing your story is not to dazzle, but rather to help someone get to know you?