When two people are about to start an argument, they have a choice. They can either fight to be right, or they can fight to be one.
If they choose to fight to be right, they are going to focus on winning. They will whip out facts to try to prove their case and be confused as to why the other sees the facts so differently. They will try to impose their power on the other. They won’t listen to understand, but instead listen to reply. Frankly, as the argument intensifies, the lack of listening can get so bad that they actually don’t hear the other person at all and don’t answer what is being addressed. Instead, at this point, two totally different arguments are happening. The way one views the other speaking can seem really hurtful, dark, and condemning. The typical result of this conflict is frustration, more distance, fear, and a huge wedge in the middle of the relationship.
If they fight to be one, then they are going to attack the problem together by listening more, proving that they understand the other’s perspective, and focus more on their perceptions, rather than the facts. They are not going to condemn, attack the person personally, or misuse power. They are going to use higher emotional intelligence and leverage each other’s strengths to solve the problem. The result is a strengthening of the relationship, confidence, growth, and everything in the middle of the relationship being cleared.
Most arguments go south at the very beginning of the conflict. It starts with the approach. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be one? Be clear in the beginning, and the conflict will go better - because if the other doesn’t join you in fighting to be one, you can always choose to not engage the argument until they do.
Chew On This:
What type of relationship are we writing about in this blog?
Ryan C. Bailey & Associates is an organizational effectiveness firm focused on equipping leaders to develop in-demand high-performing teams to increase the health and effectiveness of the greater organization.
*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients. No client is being singled out.